In this short video, I explain why trying harder to relax your standards usually backfires, and what we explore instead in our video sessions.
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Online perfectionism therapy helps you understand why nothing you do ever feels finished, and how to live without that relentless inner audit. We meet one to one by video, in English, in 1-hour sessions with 50 minutes of therapy, scheduled around your time zone.
I help you trace the inner critic to where it began, hear what it is afraid of and loosen its grip on your work, your body and your relationships. This is the perfectionism strand of online stress therapy, part of my wider online psychotherapy. If years of high standards have already emptied you, online burnout therapy fits better, and if the fear of being exposed is louder than the fear of mistakes, see online imposter syndrome therapy.
When you feel ready, set up a free 30-minute call, reserve a session, read through my client policy or get in touch by message.
Online perfectionism therapy is for English-speaking adults, anywhere in the world, whose standards have turned from a strength into a daily source of pressure, shame and exhaustion. You want to keep your care for quality while losing the fear that drives it.
High standards often travel with other struggles that need a different focus. Where one of these lines describes you more closely, its link leads to the page that was written for it.
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These reviews describe clients’ experiences of working with me. They come from my wider practice and do not all relate to online sessions. Each person’s experience is their own, and a review does not promise a particular outcome.
“Since my first client in 2004, I have rarely met a perfectionist who was simply in love with quality. Behind the polish there is nearly always a fear of someone’s disappointment, often a person who is no longer even present. When I listen closely, one voice pleads ‘If I get this wrong, will I still be wanted?’ Another says ‘Leave it with me, nobody needs to see it half done.’ And sometimes a third mixes the two: ‘Admire what I made, just do not look too closely at me.’ I hold one firm view here. You cannot reason your way out of perfectionism. It softens when you meet the person it is still trying to please.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA. I have practised since 2004 and offer online psychotherapy and couples therapy in English.
My training brings together your emotions, your thoughts and your relationships. My deep passion is the moment when what happens between you finally makes sense, to each of you and to each other. I have lived and worked in nine countries, so I know something of life across languages, cultures and borders.
Read about my background, or explore online psychotherapy and online couples therapy.
I meet regularly with experienced psychotherapists to reflect on my work, question my understanding and develop my skills. Supervision is part of the professional care I bring to individual and couples work, including online sessions.
My focus is thoughtful practice, integrity and responsibility.
You are welcome to ask about the kind of support you need.
Tell me where you are based and your time zone. We can then consider whether online sessions together are suitable.
Amelie is 34, a German translator living in Lisbon. Her clients praise her accuracy, yet she reads every finished text 6 times and has twice missed a deadline because she could not bring herself to send it. She signed up for a pottery class in the spring and stopped after the first lopsided bowl. Her partner says that cooking dinner together feels like being graded. She calls herself “just careful” and cannot see why she is so tired.
I would start with the second before Amelie presses send, and what she feels in her body then. In a first video session she would probably notice that the voice telling her a sentence is wrong has a familiar tone, and that it belongs to someone she was trying hard to please long before she became a translator.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
You have tried lowering the bar, telling yourself it is fine, and working harder still, and the inner critic has not gone quiet.
No moment is more correct than another for starting therapy about perfectionism, and you need no special reason. If high standards are costing you more than they give, that is enough. You do not need a diagnosis, a neat explanation or a breakdown before we meet. In 22 years of practice I have worked with many people whose standards were quietly running their lives, and I can tell when care has turned into a pattern that needs attention.
I will help you see what drives the critic, what keeps it in charge and what needs to shift. Let the 6 questions below help you decide whether to contact me.
If so, take it seriously. A short report becomes an evening, a birthday card takes 3 drafts, and you notice every flaw before you notice anything good. You may feel tense in your jaw and shoulders, sleep badly before deadlines and feel only brief relief when something is done.
I would look at where the extra time goes and what you fear would happen if you stopped sooner. That tells us whether this is a demanding season or a settled pattern. If that is how your weeks look, book a session with me and we can start to unpick it.
Both wishes can live side by side, because each guards something different. One part of you is worn out and longs for ease. Another is convinced that the moment you relax, you will be careless, mediocre or found lacking, and so it tightens its grip whenever you try to let go.
I do not cast the demanding part as the villain. In the psychosynthesis tradition I trained in, we treat inner voices like this as sub-personalities, each with a history and a purpose. I help you hear what the strict one protects, so that easing off becomes a choice you make on purpose rather than a risk you dread.
Yes, this is a common part of perfectionism. A delayed reply from your manager, a neutral face on a call or a lack of comment on something you sent can feel like a verdict. You reread messages, ask for feedback you do not quite trust and find it hard to rest until someone signals that you are fine.
Your wish to be seen and valued is legitimate, and I will not belittle it. What we work on is the alarm that treats silence as failure. We look at where you learned that approval had to be earned, and you practise asking directly for what you need instead of waiting for reassurance to arrive.
This push and pull is familiar to many perfectionists. You long for intimacy, then cancel plans because the flat is untidy, you look tired or you have nothing impressive to share. When someone does come close, you feel warmth and panic at once, and you may pull back just as things get good.
In our work I slow this sequence down so we can spot the moment closeness starts to feel risky. Often it is the fear of being seen unpolished. I have real compassion for that fear, and I will also ask you to own the ways it keeps people you care about at arm’s length.
Many perfectionists hide when they fall short. After a slip at work or a remark from a partner, you may go quiet, keep things factual or bury yourself in tasks until the feeling passes. Being seen while imperfect can feel close to unbearable, so you retreat to regain control.
In my view that retreat is protecting something important, and needing room to recover is fine. I help you understand what it shields you from, so you can stay in contact a little longer without feeling exposed. You learn to say “I got that wrong, and I need a moment” rather than disappearing.
When being competent has been your role for years, it can be hard to know who you are without it. You may have learned early that being good, tidy or clever kept the peace at home or earned you a place. Moving between countries can deepen this, because performance is often the first currency a newcomer is judged by. That uncertainty reflects how hard you have worked, not a flaw in you.
I help you sort the standards that are truly yours from those you absorbed to stay safe or loved. I will challenge you when I see you shrinking yourself to a list of achievements, but I will not offer you a ready-made identity. The aim is a fuller sense of who you are and what you value.
If these questions struck a chord, choose a free call to explore whether this fits, or book a session if you are ready to begin.
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Tell me briefly what kind of support you are looking for.
Include your country and time zone so we can discuss whether online work together is possible and find a suitable time.
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Knowing where your standards come from is useful, but the work also has to change how you finish, rest, ask for help and accept imperfection.
Working on perfectionism with me will help you see what drives your standards, recognise the habits that keep the critic in charge and make changes you notice in an ordinary week. Insight alone is rarely enough. If nothing changes in how you work and relate, the critic simply adapts.
In 22 years of practice, I have found that this work moves when I am active in it. I will guide you, tell you what I observe and challenge you when an explanation keeps you circling. Below are 6 outcomes we work towards together.
Related reading: Why can’t I let anything be just good enough? and Why do I care about my research but cannot start?.
We start by telling the core of the pattern apart from its effects. Long hours, procrastination and constant checking are real, yet they are usually symptoms. Beneath them sit specific fears and beliefs: that mistakes mean rejection, that rest must be earned, that being ordinary is dangerous.
I share what I think is going on, what deserves attention first and which stories keep you stuck. When it feels right, book a session with me and we begin to map where the critic came from.
You can learn to notice the early signs that come before the spiral. Perhaps it is a tightening in your chest when you open a document, a thought that it has to be flawless, or the urge to start again. Spotting the first sign gives you a moment to choose differently.
In our sessions I help you slow that sequence down and look at what sets it off and what it protects. Recognition is the start, not the finish. We practise a different response between sessions, such as stopping at a planned point, until you can do it on a pressured day without me.
Calming that rush does not mean pretending you do not care. It means staying present enough to notice the feeling, understand it and decide how to respond. Some of the unease carries real information. Much of it is an old alarm that fires long after the danger has passed.
I help you notice the rise earlier and understand what your body is bracing for, often an old expectation of criticism. You will need to practise between sessions, in small daily moments, such as leaving one thing deliberately unfinished.
Clear communication starts with knowing what you feel and what you actually need. Perfectionists often hide that behind long explanations, careful wording or apologies offered before anything has gone wrong. Unspoken needs build into resentment, which then feeds the critic.
We work on language that is honest, specific and short enough to be heard. I will challenge you when you silence yourself, and also when you expect others to read your standards without being told. We often rehearse a real conversation, perhaps with a colleague whose work you keep quietly redoing.
Decisions get easier once you separate fear, duty and other people’s expectations from what you actually know and want. Perfectionism treats every choice as final and every mistake as unforgivable, so you research endlessly and the delay ends up choosing for you.
Together we lay your real options side by side and look at what each would demand of you. I will share my honest view and point out when you are avoiding a decision, but the choice remains yours. If your mind keeps looping, online overthinking therapy looks more closely at that pattern.
Real change has to reach beyond our sessions into your working hours, your weekends and your closest relationships. You may need firmer limits on revision, more room for play, help you actually accept and friendships where you are not always the one who has it together.
I help you decide which standards deserve to stay and which can go. Care, skill and attention to detail are part of who you are, and they are not the problem. The goal is a life led by your values rather than by fear of falling short.
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You do not need to arrive prepared, articulate or organised. We start with what is happening now and what you want to be different.
When you begin, I listen closely, help you name the central difficulty and give the work a clear direction from the first session. There is no right way to present yourself here, which for a perfectionist is often the first relief.
Online perfectionism therapy is one focused part of my online psychotherapy, structured individual work on your inner life and your relationships, and it sits within online stress therapy. If your standards mainly create friction with your partner, and they are willing to join, online couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. If you expect a longer piece of work, a therapy bundle gives you a real saving and the steadiness of a plan.
In the first session I ask what has made you look for help now, how your standards show up in daily life, what you have tried and what you hope will change. You do not need to tell me everything in order.
Towards the end I offer my first reading of the pattern and suggest how we could work. Then you decide whether it feels useful. If you prefer to talk before committing, book a free 30-minute call first.
Individual work is right when the pattern lives mainly in you: your inner critic, your body, your history and the way you approach work and relationships. We can explore those relationships closely without anyone else on the call.
Across our sessions I provide direction, continuity and honest challenge. If perfectionism is one thread among several in your life, online psychotherapy describes my individual work more broadly.
Couples therapy suits you better when the relationship needs sustained attention in its own right. If your partner feels constantly judged, if arguments about tidiness, money or plans keep repeating, or if one of you criticises while the other retreats, working together usually helps more.
In couples work I help both of you see the cycle, own your share of it and build safer ways of being together. Online couples therapy is long-term relational development and healing, and some people start individually and move into couples sessions later.
The right rhythm depends on how strongly the pattern grips you, how much space your life has right now and how much continuity the work needs to gather momentum.
I usually suggest weekly or fortnightly sessions to begin with. I will tell you honestly if sessions are too far apart for change to build, or when we can safely meet less often. Sessions can also be placed back-to-back over a few days if your schedule or travel makes that easier.
Choose a bundle when you can already see that loosening the critic will take a number of sessions, and you would rather not re-decide after every one. Perfectionists often wait for proof that therapy is working perfectly before continuing, and a planned course takes that test away.
It lowers what each session costs and gives you the safety of an agreed structure. The details sit on therapy discounts and bundles, and the cards appear lower on this page.
Therapy has done its job when you have more ownership, clarity and freedom of choice, and the critic has quietened enough for you to carry on without the same support. High standards may remain, but they serve you rather than rule you.
I review our progress openly and do not encourage endless therapy. We can space sessions out, take a break or stop once the critic no longer sets the terms. Coming back later with something new is not a sign that the earlier work failed.
Wondering whether this is the right place to start? Here is how online perfectionism therapy compares with the options people with exacting standards most often consider.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Online perfectionism therapy (this page) | Your own standards and inner critic are the main source of pressure. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions at first |
| Online imposter syndrome therapy | You fear being exposed as not good enough, despite clear success. | Weekly or fortnightly video sessions |
| Online burnout therapy | Years of high standards have already left you exhausted. | A slow, steady course of video sessions |
| Online shame therapy | You feel wrong as a person, well beyond your work or output. | A steady course of 1-hour video sessions |
Online perfectionism therapy with me is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, for adults whose high standards have become a constant source of pressure. Rather than teaching you to lower the bar, it helps you understand what your inner critic fears and where it learned to fear it.
I work in depth with the whole person: your feelings, your body, your relationships and the expectations you inherited. It is part of my online stress therapy.
Come when your standards are costing you sleep, time, relationships or joy, or when you avoid things you care about because you might not do them well. If part of you suspects your standards are hurting you, trust it.
I look at how long the pattern has been there, where it shows up and what it has cost you. If it stays in place however much you understand it, it is worth addressing properly.
Yes, often it can. Lifelong perfectionism usually grew out of how you learned to stay safe or valued as a child, which means it can be understood and loosened as an adult. I cannot promise how much will change, and I do not offer shortcuts.
In my clinical experience, people who have always been perfectionists often discover the pattern once made complete sense, perhaps in a home where approval was scarce. Together we look at what it was protecting then, and whether you still need that protection now.
No. Most people find their work improves once fear stops driving it. You keep your skill, your care and your eye for detail. What changes is the dread, the endless revising and the inability to finish.
I will not ask you to stop caring about quality. I will help you separate the standards that genuinely serve your work from the ones that only serve the critic, and you decide which to keep.
Both are ways of staying safe from judgement. Some people work hard to impress, to be sure they will be accepted. Others keep everyone at arm’s length so nobody can see the flaws. It is how you learned to manage the fear of not being enough, not a defect in who you are.
I help you notice which way you move under pressure, what each move is trying to secure and what it costs you. Then we build steadier options: letting people see you as you are, and keeping your own counsel without hiding.
We start with the present. I ask where your standards show up most, what happens in your body when something is not right and what you would most like to change. Before we stop, I tell you how I read the pattern and where I suggest we go next.
You do not need to find the perfect words, which is often the hardest part for perfectionists. Reserve your first session, or start with a free 30-minute call if you would like to talk first.
Plan for a course of sessions over several months rather than a single conversation. That is usually enough to understand the pattern and start changing it. If perfectionism has shaped your whole adult life, or is tied to painful early experiences, it may take longer.
In 22 years of practice I have found that a clear first stretch with honest reviews works far better than open-ended drifting. At each review we agree whether to continue, slow down or finish.
Yes, for most people. Working from your own space can make it easier to let your guard down, and video keeps the work steady if you relocate or travel for work. Many perfectionists also find it a relief not to manage a first impression in a waiting room.
You will need a quiet, private room, headphones, a reliable internet connection and a laptop or tablet. Times in the booking calendar are shown in your own time zone. If you have practical questions, raise them on a free call.
You book individual psychotherapy with me as 1-hour online sessions, each with 50 minutes of therapy. For the fees as they stand today, in US dollars, see my prices page.
If you know the work will take time, a therapy bundle saves 10 per cent per session and gives you a structured plan. The choices are explained on therapy discounts and bundles.
Book a first session directly, or request a free 30-minute call if you would prefer to talk first. The calendar converts every time to your local clock.
If no time works for you, or things feel acute, send me a message. I keep some room for acute cases, usually within days, and acute online psychotherapy describes that kind of help. You do not need to be ready in any perfect sense. Pick a time and begin.
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I want therapy to help you understand your experience and make choices you can use in everyday life. We pay attention to feelings, needs and the responses that happen before you have time to think.
Our online room should offer enough trust and honesty to explore what is difficult. I bring attention and professional judgement. You bring your experience, questions and the right to say when something does not fit.
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P.S. I’ll call you in a bit!
