In this short video, I explain why so many capable men quietly doubt the kind of man they are, and how we find the version of manhood that is genuinely yours.
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Online masculinity and identity therapy helps you look honestly at 3 men: the one you were raised to be, the one you have become and the one you would like to be. We meet one to one by video, in English, in 1-hour sessions with 50 minutes of therapy, at a time that fits your time zone wherever in the world you live.
I help you sort the rules about manhood you absorbed as a boy from the values you would choose as a grown man, and then live by the second set. Within my online psychotherapy for men, this is one of the main branches. When one root of the question stands out, I offer more focused work on the father wound and on shame in men.
You can book a free 30-minute call, choose a session time, read my client policy or send me a short message.
Online masculinity and identity therapy is for men, anywhere in the world, who can no longer say with any confidence what being a man means for them. The strong, silent provider of their childhood does not fit, and the newer expectations feel blurred or contradictory. You want a way of being a man that you respect and can actually live.
Certain questions about being a man are better served elsewhere. If a line below fits you more closely, follow its link.
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These reviews describe clients’ experiences of working with me. They come from my wider practice and do not all relate to online sessions. Each person’s experience is their own, and a review does not promise a particular outcome.
“In my clinical experience, the men who doubt their masculinity are almost never lacking in manhood. What they lack is a grown man who once showed them, up close, how to carry it. So they assemble a version from films, the gym, the office and the father they swore not to copy, and then feel like frauds inside it. Beneath the doubt I hear one voice asking ‘Am I solid enough that you would choose to stay?’ and another replying ‘I do not need anyone to teach me this. I will figure it out on my own.’ Some men hold a third at once: ‘Show me the way, but do not stand close enough to see that I am lost.’ You do not need a new script. You need to meet the mature man who is already in you.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA. I have practised since 2004 and offer online psychotherapy and couples therapy in English.
My training brings together your emotions, your thoughts and your relationships. My deep passion is the moment when what happens between you finally makes sense, to each of you and to each other. I have lived and worked in nine countries, so I know something of life across languages, cultures and borders.
Read about my background, or explore online psychotherapy and online couples therapy.
I meet regularly with experienced psychotherapists to reflect on my work, question my understanding and develop my skills. Supervision is part of the professional care I bring to individual and couples work, including online sessions.
My focus is thoughtful practice, integrity and responsibility.
You are welcome to ask about the kind of support you need.
Tell me where you are based and your time zone. We can then consider whether online sessions together are suitable.
Matteo is 38, grew up near Turin and now works as an architect in Melbourne. His father ran a garage 6 days a week and said almost nothing at home. Matteo vowed to be different: he does the school run, cooks and talks easily about feelings. Yet his partner says he never decides anything, and he now lifts weights at 5 every morning, as if a man could be built from the outside in.
I would begin with the 2 men Matteo has been steering between: the father he refused to become and the one in the gym mirror. In a first video session he would probably notice that when he threw out his father’s silence, his father’s firmness went out with it. That is a hopeful start.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
You have tried to work out by yourself what kind of man to be, and every answer you find slips away within a week.
Any moment is a fair moment to ask this. If something feels off in how you carry yourself, at work, in love or as a father, that is enough, with no diagnosis or crisis required. In 22 years of practice I have sat with many men who could not name what was missing, and I recognise when that unease has hardened into a pattern.
I will help you see which beliefs about manhood are running your life, what holds them in place and what must change. These 6 questions can help you decide.
If you do, take it seriously. Many men describe a show that never closes: the firm voice on the call, the easy laugh at dinner, then a backstage feeling of doubt. The acting drains you, and it leaks out as a short fuse or a glass of wine that has become 3.
I would look at where the script came from and for whom you are performing. That shows whether you are simply tired or have outgrown the part. If this sounds familiar, book a session with me and we will look at it directly.
Both wishes are real, and each protects something different. One part of you wants to be solid, the man others lean on. Another wants closeness and, now and then, to be the one who is held. You may swing between them, hard at work and soft to the point of vanishing at home.
Neither part is the problem. I help you hear what each is guarding, often a boyhood lesson about the danger of being too hard or too soft. The aim is for both to work together, so that your strength carries warmth and your warmth has a backbone.
Plenty of men do, without ever saying so. A teasing remark on the team call, a colleague who talks over you, a friend who earns more, and you replay it for days. You check yourself against other men’s confidence, money and bodies, and the verdict is always the same.
Wanting respect is fair, and I will not mock it. I help you quiet the alarm that fires before anything has happened, usually the fear of being the boy who fell short, and you practise naming what stung.
Far more men do this than admit it. You join a cycling group, enjoy it and stop turning up. A friend says something real over a drink and you reach for a joke.
I help you find the exact moment when wanting turns into leaving. There is nearly always a trigger, such as competition or the fear of being seen as weak. I respect your reasons for distance, and I will help you stay a little longer each time.
Many men do. When a conversation turns personal, your mind empties, or you suddenly remember something that needs fixing. It feels like control. The cost is that, slowly, people stop asking.
This blankness is usually a way of not being swamped, and I will not shame you for needing room. I help you see what the distance protects you from, stay present a few moments longer and say “give me a minute to find the words” before the quiet becomes a wall.
Years as the dependable one, the provider or the easy-going guy can blur who is inside the role, especially if you have moved countries and keep adjusting to new rules. Feeling capable and hollow together is not a sign of damage. It is a sign of long adaptation.
Together we sort what you absorbed from what you would keep. I push back when a role becomes a hiding place, and I offer no off-the-shelf version of manhood. You leave knowing what kind of man you want to be.
If one of these questions landed, book a free call to talk it through, or choose a session time if you already know you are ready.
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Tell me briefly what kind of support you are looking for.
Include your country and time zone so we can discuss whether online work together is possible and find a suitable time.
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Knowing where your ideas about manhood came from is useful, but the real test is how you live at home, at work and among other men.
I will help you see the picture of manhood you have been living by, notice where it serves you and where it boxes you in, and make changes that the people close to you can feel. A man who understands his father in perfect detail and still repeats him has not moved very far.
I am not a silent listener in this, and I will challenge you when you shrink yourself. My training is in integrative psychotherapy, and since 2010 I have also been a student of men’s work, which adds to and deepens that training rather than standing in for it. Eli Buren, a dear friend and mentor, has been a central influence, and I have sat in his work many times. The lens I use most on this page comes from Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette’s book “King, Warrior, Magician, Lover”. They describe 4 energies in a mature man. The King brings order, takes responsibility and blesses the people around him. The Warrior acts with purpose and holds a boundary. The Magician sees clearly and can contain strong feeling. The Lover feels, enjoys and connects. Each has a shadow when it stays a boy’s version or gets wounded: the tyrant or the man who abdicates, the bully or the pushover, the manipulator or the man who knows nothing, the addict or the man who feels nothing. The 6 questions below show what we work towards.
Related reading: When did I stop knowing what I want? and Why is it so hard to ask for help when I’m struggling?.
Online advice, gym culture, your family and the country you live in all have opinions about the man you ought to be. Beneath that noise there is usually one specific thing, such as a blessing you never received from an older man.
I tell you what I see and which stories keep you stuck, such as “a real man just gets on with it”. Often we find a King who was never blessed, or a Warrior with nothing worth fighting for. When you are ready, book a session with me and we start with last week.
By learning its first signals. Before you puff up or fold in a disagreement, there is a flush in your face or a thought such as “do not look weak”. Catch that, and you have room to choose.
In our sessions we slow that sequence down. This is the Magician’s work: seeing clearly what is going on inside you without being driven by it. Then we practise a different response until it works at your kitchen table too.
Steadiness and toughness are not the same thing. Steadiness means staying present enough to choose how you respond. Many men know only 2 gears, clamping down or giving way. A grown Warrior has another: quiet, clear and able to refuse without having to win.
I help you notice pressure earlier in your body, often in the jaw, the shoulders or the breath, and understand what it is reacting to. I will also be plain that this takes practice between sessions, a few minutes on most days rather than one good conversation a week.
Saying it clearly depends on first knowing your feeling, your wish and your share of the problem. Men raised to be tough often push. Men raised to be nice often hint, then resent it when nobody guesses. Either way, nobody hears what you actually meant.
I help you find words that are direct, warm and in proportion. I challenge silence, and I also challenge the hope that your partner will read your mood for you. We rehearse real conversations, with a partner, a boss or a parent in another country, until you can say what you mean and stay kind.
Decisions get clearer once you separate fear, duty, habit and other men’s opinions from what you actually value. Pride says never back down. Fear says stay where it is safe. Neither is really you.
Together we test each option against what it would demand of you. This is where the King matters, the part of you that can see the whole field and take responsibility for a choice. I will give you my view and say so when you are dodging the decision, but the choice remains yours.
Real change has to reach your Monday mornings. You may need firmer limits, a male friend you confide in, or a purpose bigger than a pay rise. In “The Way of the Superior Man”, David Deida describes a man who lives from his deepest purpose and stays present with the person he loves. The title is about a man growing past his own limits, not about rising above anyone. This is also where the Lover gets room again, the part of you that feels, enjoys and connects.
We decide together what to change and what to protect, so your choices start coming from who you are rather than from how you fear being seen.
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No theory and no polished words are needed, because we start from the life you are living this week.
I listen, help you name what feels wrong and give our work a direction from the first session. “I am not sure this is a real problem” is a perfectly good opening.
This is a focused strand of my online psychotherapy, structured individual work on you, your history and your relationships. If the main trouble lives between you and a willing partner, online couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. For longer work, therapy discounts and bundles lower the cost and give you the security of an agreed plan.
I ask what made you book now, where you feel least like the man you want to be, what you have already tried and what you hope will change. I also ask about your father and the culture you grew up in, because that is where most of the picture was first drawn.
By the end I offer my first understanding and suggest a direction, and you decide whether my way of working suits you. If you would rather talk before you commit, book a free 30-minute call first.
Individual work is right when the question lives mainly in you: how you see yourself as a man, your history, your choices and the way you show up with other people. Your relationships can be explored in depth while nobody else is on the screen.
Working alone with me, you get continuity and honest challenge from one week to the next. If you want to see how this fits my work as a whole, structured individual work online describes it in full.
Choose couples work when the relationship is what needs steady attention. If your partner feels you are out of reach, if the same row about decisions keeps returning, or if one of you pursues while the other retreats, working on it together usually helps more.
With both of you on screen, I help you see the loop between you, own your part and build a safer way of being together. Online couples therapy is long-term relational development and healing, and some men do this individual work first and invite their partner in later.
That depends on how pressing things feel and how much room your life has right now. Identity questions need enough rhythm for you to try something new and report back on how it went.
I recommend weekly or fortnightly video sessions to begin with. I will say so if the gaps grow too wide, or when we can space things out. If you travel a great deal, a few sessions placed back-to-back over several days can work as well.
A bundle suits you once it is clear the work needs several sessions. Many men drift away at the small question after each hour, shall I book again, and a bundle removes it.
You get real savings and a plan you can lean on, and I will tell you frankly whether one fits. See therapy discounts and bundles and the cards lower down.
We are done when you feel at home in yourself as a man, stand behind your choices and can manage without this support. Firmness and warmth sit in the same conversation.
We review openly, and I have no wish to keep you longer than needed. Sessions can thin out, pause or end. If fatherhood, loss or getting older reopens the question later, returning is part of life.
Not sure this is the right place to begin? Here is how online masculinity and identity therapy sits beside the options men asking these questions most often weigh up.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Online masculinity and identity therapy (this page) | You are unsure what kind of man you are, or want to be. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions at first |
| Online father wound therapy | Your father, present or absent, sits at the centre of the question. | A steady course of 1-hour video sessions |
| Online nice guy syndrome therapy | You keep the peace and hide your needs in order to be liked. | Weekly or fortnightly video sessions |
| Online psychotherapy for men | You want help as a man with stress, mood or anger more broadly. | Video sessions at a pace you choose |
Online masculinity and identity therapy with me is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, for men who are unsure what being a man means for them, or who feel trapped in a version of manhood that does not fit. It helps you sort what you inherited from what you would choose.
It is depth-oriented psychotherapy, with men’s work as one lens among several, and it is a main branch of my online psychotherapy for men, alongside work on loneliness, low mood and relationships.
Come when your sense of yourself as a man is costing you sleep, confidence, closeness or friendship, or when you keep acting a part you do not believe in. You do not have to wait for a crisis.
I look at how long the doubt has been there, what you have stopped doing because of it and whether it is spreading into work or love. If a partner or friend nudged you towards this page, that is a perfectly good reason to begin.
No. I am not interested in telling men in general what they should be, and I take no side in the public arguments about it. Masculinity, in my work, is something living and personal, not a problem to be fixed.
I am not trying to make you harder, gentler or a copy of some other man. In my clinical experience, what many men lacked was permission from an older man to be who they are. I would focus with you on where that permission went missing, and what you can now give yourself.
They are 4 sides of a mature man, as Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette describe them. The King orders and blesses. The Warrior acts and protects a boundary. The Magician understands and holds steady under pressure. The Lover feels and connects. Each one goes wrong when it stays young or gets hurt.
I use them as a plain, human map, never as a test to pass. Most men recognise at once which side is strong in them and which is missing. That recognition gives us a clear place to start working.
Both are ways of feeling safe when something feels threatening. Some men harden, argue or take control. Others go quiet, agree and resent it later. Neither makes you a bad man. You learned it, most likely early.
I help you see which way you move, what that move protects and what it costs the people you love. We then practise another way: holding your position, staying warm and refusing without going on the attack.
We start with your life now: work, home, friends and the moments you feel least like yourself. I ask about the men who shaped you and what they taught you a man should be, and before we finish I tell you what I see.
You do not need to prepare. “I am not sure what I am looking for” is a fine opening line. Choose a first session whenever you like, or start gently with a free discovery call.
Plan for a course of sessions over a few months rather than a single conversation, usually weekly or every second week to begin with. Questions that go back to your father or your boyhood often take longer.
Drawing on 22 years of practice, I recommend that we agree a first stretch and then review it honestly together. You then decide with me whether to continue, meet less often or stop.
Yes, video works well for this. You talk from a room where you feel at ease, and the work carries on if you move country or travel for your job. Bring headphones, a decent connection and a room where nobody can listen in.
A group can help alongside individual work, because many men open up most easily side by side with other men. Individual therapy is the better start when you need to look at your own history without an audience. My page on online therapy and men’s groups explains how group and individual work fit together.
Like all my individual psychotherapy, this is booked in 1-hour online sessions holding 50 minutes of therapy. Today’s fee for a session appears in US dollars on my prices page.
If you expect a longer piece of work, a bundle takes 10 per cent off each session and fixes a plan in advance. See therapy discounts and bundles for the choices.
Book your first session directly, or request a free 30-minute call if you want to get a feel for me first. Every slot is shown in your local time.
If nothing in the calendar fits, or something feels urgent, write to me directly. I keep some space for acute cases, usually within days, as acute online psychotherapy describes. Book, and we begin with the man in front of me.
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I want therapy to help you understand your experience and make choices you can use in everyday life. We pay attention to feelings, needs and the responses that happen before you have time to think.
Our online room should offer enough trust and honesty to explore what is difficult. I bring attention and professional judgement. You bring your experience, questions and the right to say when something does not fit.
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