Will couples counselling work for us, or are we too late?

We want this to work, but we are tired of trying.

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At a glance

You may both want the relationship to get better while secretly hoping a counsellor will confirm the other one is the problem. Couples counselling starts to work when neither of you needs to win. This article helps you judge whether it suits you before you book, and how to recognise when it is the wrong step.

Clinical insights from 22 years in psychotherapy

I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 22 years of full-time, face-to-face clinical practice.

Relief often comes before progress. Couples frequently tell me they felt lighter simply for saying the hard thing in front of a third person, even before anything between them had shifted.
The reluctant partner is often the frightened one. When one partner has agreed to come only under pressure, I often find they are the most afraid of what an honest conversation might cost.
Curiosity matters more than the size of the problem. In my experience, couples who can still wonder about each other’s side move further than couples whose difficulties look smaller on paper.

Clinical notes: My observations are anonymised and compounded from my session notes since 2004.

What would make it worth it for the two of you?

Settle what a good result would look like before you begin, or you will measure the work by your mood at the end of each session.

It helps to admit the hope you carry in. Part of you wants a professional to hear what you have put up with and agree that it is too much. Part of you dreads being cast as the difficult one, so you have prepared your opening carefully. Your partner, sitting beside you on the call, has very likely done the same. Then the hour goes on two rival presentations, and the pattern you wanted to change never gets looked at.

That wish to be vindicated is completely understandable. It is also the quickest way to spend sessions without getting anywhere. More realistic aims tend to look like this:

Fights that do less harm. The familiar argument still starts, but it burns out sooner and leaves fewer marks.
A topic you can finally raise. You bring up the thing you have been avoiding, and the evening holds.
A kinder ending, if it comes to that. Should you part, you do it without tearing each other apart.
An honest answer. You learn whether there is still something here to build on, which is useful to know either way.

Does couples counselling work?

On average, distressed couples who take part in couple-focused help do better than those who do not, though the size of the benefit is less certain than headlines imply.

A recent review pooling 12 studies of couple interventions for marital distress reported an effect its authors describe as large¹. The same review found the studies varied considerably and showed signs of publication bias, which means the real effect is probably smaller than the combined number.

So the evidence supports couple work as a whole, while staying vague about how much it will help any particular couple. Whether it helps you, with the person you choose to work with, becomes clear in the sessions themselves. Read more about online couples therapy.

When is it most likely to help?

It tends to help most while each of you still reacts to the other, even if the reactions are clumsy or sharp.

The depth of the trouble counts for less than whether your words still reach each other. The smallest version of this is a passing comment that is really a quiet check on whether you are still there for each other. One of you notices and responds, or does not, and these tiny exchanges happen dozens of times a day without either of you registering them.

According to the Gottman Institute, newlywed couples who were still married 6 years later had responded to those small approaches 86 per cent of the time, compared with 33 per cent among couples who later divorced². That is a pattern found alongside staying together, not proof of cause, and the summary does not describe how it was measured. Missing your partner’s comment one tired evening tells you nothing about your future.

The useful part is that these moments are small and can be practised every day. It is also why a couple in real difficulty who still wince when the other is hurt often have more to work with than a settled couple who want nothing to change.

When is couples counselling the wrong step?

It rarely helps when one of you has privately made up their mind to go and is keeping that to themselves. Sessions turn polite while the real decision waits outside, and the partner who still hopes ends up paying twice, once in time and once in hope.

One of you is already done. Then work aimed at reaching a clear decision is more honest than counselling that pretends the question is still open.
You are waiting for a ruling. Hoping to be told who is right keeps you stuck exactly where you are, sometimes for months.
One of you is there to win. That partner listens for ammunition, the other grows guarded, and the sessions become the place where least gets said.
Someone at home is afraid. If one of you fears the other, or spends evenings managing the other’s moods to keep things calm, joint sessions are the wrong tool and individual work comes first.

If ending things is the real subject, read more about online divorce therapy.

How can we tell early on whether it is helping?

An early sign is being able, together, to describe the pattern between you in plain words without it sparking a new fight.

This often shows up before anything feels better, which can be confusing. One session can leave you raw and quiet and still have shifted something, while another leaves you relieved and has shifted nothing. What I look for is whether your separate accounts of the same argument start to sound alike.

You can describe it together. One of you chases, the other withdraws, the chasing grows, and you can both say so without either of you defending yourselves.
Recovery is quicker. Arguments still happen, but you find your way back in hours rather than days.
Neither of you is the culprit. Nobody has been quietly cast as the cause, and each of you can see a piece that belongs to you.

Treat these as signs to reflect on, not as a score, and a couple of hard sessions in a row decide nothing.

How do we give it the best chance, and when is that not enough?

Agree on a goal and a review date before you start, and each come ready to look at your own part rather than your partner’s. My first meeting with a couple runs for two hours by video, which leaves room for both of you to be properly heard rather than just to state positions.

One sentence each. Before booking, each of you notes one change you hope to make in yourself, not in your partner.
If the sentence will not come, bring that. Struggling to write it is worth exploring in itself, not a reason to stay away.
A short first stretch. No one can honestly predict the number of sessions at the outset, so agree a few and set a date to review them.
Say when it feels stuck. Tell me during a session that nothing seems to be moving, and either the approach changes or you decide whether to stop.

When I do not think I am the right person to help, I will tell you. These steps fall short when each of you is convinced the other is the one who must change, because then there is no shared aim at all. They are the wrong tool when someone at home is afraid, or when one partner’s decision is already made and the sessions are serving to cushion the news. If you are not sure which of these applies, that uncertainty is itself worth exploring, either in a session or in a free 30-minute call with me.

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Questions people ask

Can couples counselling by video work as well as in a room?

For many couples it does, as long as each of you can speak freely where you are sitting. If the setting makes it harder for one of you to talk, say so early so it can be changed.

Do we both need to want it before we book?

No, it is enough that you both agree to try a first session and review it together. If either of you is coming mostly to be proved right, name that early so it does not take over the hour.

How many sessions should we commit to?

Start with a short block and a fixed review date rather than an open-ended arrangement. That reflects my own way of working, not something research has settled, and what suits you depends on what you bring.

What if my partner refuses to join?

You can begin alone, and your own side of the pattern is worth working on either way. It will not make your partner willing, but it changes what you bring home.

How will we know if it is not working?

Raise it directly with your therapist and ask them to describe, in plain words, what they see happening between you. A therapist worth working with will welcome that conversation.

If you wonder whether you have left it too late, I see many couples at that very point in online couples therapy, and late is rarely too late.

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Sources

How this article was written: I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. I read the draft, correct and improve it and stand behind every clinical statement. The professional and clinical judgement is mine.

Would you like support?

I am Mark Colclough, MA, a psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist working online in English with individuals and couples around the world. If this article touches something you are living with, a first 30-minute call is free and you are under no obligation.