Why does my partner’s family keep me at arm’s length?

Do they dislike me, or do they not know where to put me?

Much of the coolness people feel from in-laws is a family running on old habits, with no space yet made for the newest arrival.

• See how other newcomers fare. If every partner who joined the family was treated the same way, you are meeting a family style, and you are inside it with everyone else.
• Count the outright refusals. Dislike turns things down. Distance simply never gets around to inviting.
• Find out who makes the plans. In many families one person organises everything, and not being on that person’s list yet is not the same as being rejected.

Your own effort is not what tends to shift these relationships. In a study of 107 newlyweds, hearing from in-laws that you were accepted went with better relationships with them, and feeling part of the family’s inner circle went with greater satisfaction¹. It relied on what people reported about themselves, so it shows what goes together rather than what causes what. Still, it fits what I see: the turning point is usually a signal from the family, and you cannot produce that signal by trying harder.

Why does trying harder push me further out?

Effort driven by anxiety tends to look like anxiety, and it takes away the ease that would let them get to know you.

You turn up carrying a dish you spent the afternoon on. For the first stretch of the visit there is a knot in your stomach, your voice is quieter than normal, and your answers come out clipped because the relaxed version of you has stayed at home. It is only on the drive back that the thought lands: they do not want me there. Through the evening you swing between longing to be welcomed and wishing you could stop caring whether you are. What they saw across the table was someone polite, careful, and apparently keen to leave.

Pulling back is protecting you from something. It saves you from asking for warmth you expect to be denied, and it spares your partner from feeling they have to pick a side. Test both fears against the most recent visit before deciding anything. Notice who greeted you, which questions came your way, and whether anyone picked up a thread later.

Why is the family gathering the hardest part?

A family gathering runs on years of shared history you were not there for, and often in a language that is not fully yours.

• The shorthand. Nicknames, private jokes and old disagreements fly past in half a sentence, and nobody stops to explain them.
• The unspoken roles. Everyone knows where they sit and what they bring, and nobody thinks to tell you.
• The drift in language. A conversation that opens in your language for your sake slips back into theirs as the evening goes on, which is usually tiredness choosing the easy option.

Nobody intends any of it for you, and you feel every bit of it. Watch the moment where an event becomes an interpretation. When the table drifts into another language, you are usually watching people run out of energy, not hearing their opinion of outsiders. It helps to stop treating the big family gathering as the place where your acceptance is decided, because it is the hardest setting in which anyone could be accepted.

What part does my partner play in this?

Your partner is the only person who belongs to both families, and both sides tend to hear their silence as agreement.

• Who asks for change. When their own child asks for something, the family hears family business. When you ask, they hear criticism from outside.
• Who covers the absences. When you end up apologising for the visit your partner skipped, you are doing their family work for them.
• Who answers the comment. A remark your partner lets pass is heard by the room as permission.

Research with 203 people married into another family found that those who felt unsure of their place, and who felt their partner got in the way, avoided more topics with their in-laws, and avoiding more went with being less satisfied². Everything was measured at a single point, so it cannot say which came first. In my experience, whatever stays unspoken keeps everybody uncertain.

How do I deal with my in-laws without wearing myself out?

Stop working on them directly, agree with your partner what you both want, and act together.

• One change, one sentence. For example, I would like to hear about plans when you do. Not a list of grievances, and not a review of their mother.
• Your partner raises it with their family. Not a joint meeting and not a message from you. Their parents, their conversation.
• Agree when you arrive and when you leave. Decide both in advance and stick to them, whatever the mood in the room.
• Respond to a remark at the time. One calm sentence on the day does more than weeks of rehearsing what you should have said.
• Drop the audition. Extra dishes, extra gifts and extra effort seldom buy acceptance, and they drain you.

All of this depends on your partner being willing to speak, and many hesitate, because speaking up costs them something with a family they have spent a lifetime keeping calm. Talk about that cost together rather than taking it as proof they do not care. When they do speak up, the first thing that changes is usually how the two of you approach visits, before anything changes in the family.

If your partner stays silent with their family, or speaks up once and then sides with them in the room, these steps no longer reach the real difficulty, because the problem now sits between the two of you. At that point, therapy together, or on your own if they decline, is likely to help more than another year of tense visits. What stays uncertain is whether the family is slow to open up or closed for good, and sometimes only time shows which.

Questions people ask

Can therapy help if my in-laws will never take part?

Yes, since what we work on is your side and your partner’s side, not their parents. Sessions look at who raises things, with whom, and how the two of you recover when a visit goes badly.

Can we have sessions by video if we live in different countries from you?

Yes: all sessions are by video, at a regular time in Copenhagen time that suits where you live. Couples can join from one room or from two.

Is it better to come as a couple or alone?

Come as a couple if the stuck point is your partner speaking up with their parents. Start alone if you mostly need to stop feeling judged at every visit, and invite them later.

What if my partner thinks I am overreacting?

Therapy still helps, because a third person can hold both accounts without having to decide who is right. I work with what each of you noticed rather than with a ruling.

What happens in a session about in-laws?

I ask about one recent visit in detail rather than the whole family history. From there you get clearer about what you want to change and who will ask for it.

If your partner’s family keeps you at a distance, I can help you find your footing and choose your response in online couples therapy on your own, by video.

Sources

1. Morr Serewicz and Canary. Assessments of disclosure from the in-laws: links among disclosure topics, family privacy orientations, and relational quality. 107 newlyweds. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 2008.
2. Mikucki-Enyart and Caughlin. Integrating the relational turbulence model and a multiple goals approach to understand topic avoidance during the transition to extended family. 203 children-in-law, one point in time. Communication Research, 2018.

How this article was written: I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. I read the draft, correct and improve it and stand behind every clinical statement. The professional and clinical judgement is mine.