In this short video, I explain why security grows through repair rather than perfection, and how we practise it together by video.
You can also send me an email
Building secure attachment online helps you move from understanding your old pattern to actually feeling safer in close relationships. It is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, in 1-hour sessions with 50 minutes of therapy, at a time that suits your time zone.
I help you practise trust, repair after conflict and letting care in, so security becomes something you live rather than something you read about. This page is part of online attachment therapy, within my online psychotherapy. If an old pattern still dominates, begin with online anxious attachment therapy, online avoidant attachment therapy or online disorganised attachment therapy.
To move forward, have a free 30-minute call with me, find a session time, read the client policy or ask me a question.
Building secure attachment online is for English-speaking adults anywhere in the world who already know their attachment pattern and want to grow steadier from here. You may have done therapy before, or come a long way on your own. Now you want trust, calm and repair to feel natural rather than effortful.
This page is for growing security once you know your pattern. If one of these fits you better, the linked page will help more.
You can also send me an email
These reviews describe clients’ experiences of working with me. They come from my wider practice and do not all relate to online sessions. Each person’s experience is their own, and a review does not promise a particular outcome.
“Looking back over my 22 years of practice, I am convinced that security is not the absence of fear. People come to me hoping to reach a calm place where nothing rattles them any more, and I think that goal sets them up to feel they have failed. Secure people still get hurt, still go quiet, still need reassurance. What they have learned is repair. After a rough evening one of them can ask ‘Are we still all right?’ and the other can answer ‘I need an hour to myself, and then I want to talk.’ Both needs are said out loud, and both are met. That is a skill, and skills can be practised at any age.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA. I have practised since 2004 and offer online psychotherapy and couples therapy in English.
My training brings together your emotions, your thoughts and your relationships. My deep passion is the moment when what happens between you finally makes sense, to each of you and to each other. I have lived and worked in nine countries, so I know something of life across languages, cultures and borders.
Read about my background, or explore online psychotherapy and online couples therapy.
I meet regularly with experienced psychotherapists to reflect on my work, question my understanding and develop my skills. Supervision is part of the professional care I bring to individual and couples work, including online sessions.
My focus is thoughtful practice, integrity and responsibility.
You are welcome to ask about the kind of support you need.
Tell me where you are based and your time zone. We can then consider whether online sessions together are suitable.
Jasper is 52, a Dutch landscape architect who has lived in Cape Town for 15 years. After years of turbulent relationships and a long stretch of earlier therapy, he is now with a partner who is kind, steady and reliable. Strangely, that is where the trouble lies. When she says she loves him, he waits for the catch. When they disagree, he either over-explains or goes for a long drive. He knows his pattern well. What he lacks is any felt sense that calm can last.
I would start with what has already changed for Jasper, because that progress is real and easy to overlook. Then we would take one recent disagreement and look at what repair could have looked like. In a first video session he would probably see that his task now is not more insight but practice in letting good things in.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
You have worked hard to understand your pattern, and still your body has not quite caught up with what you know.
You do not need a crisis or a diagnosis to come for this work. Wanting your relationships to feel safer, calmer and more trusting is reason enough, even if things are already better than they were. In 22 years of practice I have seen many people reach this stage, and I can tell when understanding is ready to become lived experience.
My professional view is that security grows through practice in real relationships, including the one with your therapist. I will help you see what still holds you back, what supports your growth and what needs to change next. Use the 6 questions below to check whether now is your time.
Many people do, long after they have understood why. A peaceful weekend makes you uneasy, a loving message makes you suspicious, and you feel almost relieved when a small problem appears. Calm feels unfamiliar, so your body treats it as a warning.
I would look at how often this happens and what you do with the unease. If it fades as trust grows, you may only need time. If it keeps returning, it is a pattern worth working on. When you are ready, book a session with me and we will look at what calm asks of you.
Yes, and both impulses make sense. One part of you wants to lean in and trust fully. Another keeps a small reserve, a quiet exit plan, because relying on people once cost you dearly. You may feel close and guarded at the same time.
I do not treat the reserve as a failing. It has kept you safe. I help you understand what it protects and how much of it you still need, so you can decide how far to trust rather than letting old caution decide for you.
Even in a good relationship, they can. A short reply or a distracted evening can still stir the old fear, though less than it used to. You notice it, you reason with it, and yet it takes longer than you would like to settle.
Your wish for closeness and clarity is legitimate. What we work on now is recovery time: how quickly you come back to steady ground. I help you notice the fear, name your need simply and let the other person respond, so reassurance becomes a normal exchange rather than a rescue.
Often a trace of the old swing remains. You enjoy a close weekend, then feel an urge to create a little distance, start a minor argument or bury yourself in work. It is smaller than before, but it still surprises you.
We look at what tips you, and I help you choose a different response at that moment. I have compassion for the urge, and I will also ask you to notice when it costs someone you love. Learning to stay through that moment is one of the deepest parts of building security.
You may have made progress, yet when feelings run high you still feel the pull to go practical, quiet or far away. You come back sooner than you used to, but the gap still worries the people close to you.
My view is that taking space is healthy when it comes with a return. I help you notice the urge earlier and say what you need, such as “I need 20 minutes, then I want to finish this”. That turns withdrawal into something the other person can trust.
When a familiar pattern loosens, there can be a strange emptiness. You knew yourself as the one who worried, or the one who coped alone. Without that, you may wonder what you actually want, from a partner, from friends and from yourself. That uncertainty is a sign of change, not a loss.
I help you explore what matters to you now, including what you want to keep from the family and culture you came from. I will challenge you when you shrink back into the old role, without telling you who to become. The aim is a sense of self that feels both new and your own.
If you feel ready to grow, a free call lets you check the fit, and booking a session lets you begin.
You can also send me an email
Tell me briefly what kind of support you are looking for.
Include your country and time zone so we can discuss whether online work together is possible and find a suitable time.
You do not need to explain your whole story in your first message.
Your details are used to respond to your enquiry. Please leave detailed health information out of this form. Read the privacy policy for information about personal data, service providers and storage.
Understanding your pattern got you here, and the next step is changing how you trust, repair and receive care in real relationships.
I will help you see where the old pattern still shows up, recognise what supports your security and practise new ways of relating until they feel natural. Insight is valuable, and by now you probably have plenty. The work at this stage is turning it into felt experience.
In my experience, this stage needs an active therapist. I will name what I see, including how you relate to me, and I will challenge you when you settle for less than you want. These 6 questions show what we build together.
Related reading: Why do I feel so insecure when my relationship is fine?, Why do I keep needing reassurance from the person I love? and Why do I go cold when someone gets close to me?.
I help you separate what is left of the old pattern from what is simply ordinary life. Not every worry is a relapse. We look for the specific moments when old expectations still take over, and the beliefs behind them, such as “if I relax, something bad will happen”.
I offer you my view of where you are, what deserves attention next and which stories may be holding you back. Then we decide together where to focus. If that sounds useful, book a session with me.
By now you probably know the signals well, but knowing them and catching them in time are different things. A tight chest, a familiar sentence in your head, a sudden urge to check or retreat: the earlier you notice, the more room you have.
In our sessions we look at real moments and practise a different response, step by step, until it becomes your first move rather than your second thought. Recognition is the start. Repetition in everyday life is what makes the change last.
Security involves both. Calming yourself does not mean managing everything alone, and leaning on someone does not mean losing your footing. It means staying present enough to know what you feel and whether you need space, company or both.
I help you notice activation earlier and understand what your body is responding to. We practise ways of steadying yourself, and ways of asking for comfort and taking it in. Both need daily practice between sessions, in small moments.
Clear asking starts with knowing what you feel and need, and trusting that asking is allowed. Many people at this stage still soften their requests until they disappear, or save them up until they come out as complaints.
I help you find words that are honest and in proportion, such as “I would love a hug tonight” or “I need a quiet morning”. I will challenge silence, and I will also challenge expecting the other person to read your mind. We practise until it feels ordinary.
Choices become clearer when you separate old fear, habit and other people’s expectations from what you know and value now. At this stage, the question is often not whether to stay, but how to build the relationship you actually want.
I help you think through your options and what each asks of you. You get my honest view, and I will name it if I see you avoiding a choice, but the decision is yours. If you are single and want your next relationship to start on firmer ground, therapy for “why am I single?” looks at that.
It often feels quieter than people expect. Conflict happens and gets repaired. Time apart feels like time apart, not like danger. You can say what you need, hear what the other person needs and trust that both matter. Your routines, boundaries and friendships may all shift a little to support that.
We decide together what needs to change and what is fine as it is. Your sensitivity and your independence stay. The aim is a life in which your relationships rest on trust, and your choices reflect who you are rather than who you once had to be.
You can also send me an email
You do not need a full history or the perfect words. We begin with where you are now and where you want to grow.
From the first session, I listen carefully, help you name what you want to strengthen and give the work a clear direction. You do not need a diagnosis, and you do not need to retell everything from earlier therapy.
This work is part of online attachment therapy and my online psychotherapy, structured individual work on how you relate. If you and a partner want to build security together, online couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. For a planned course, therapy discounts and bundles give you real savings and a clear structure.
I ask what has already changed for you, where the old pattern still shows up, what you have tried and what you would like to feel more of. We start with the present. Earlier history comes in where it helps.
At the end, I share my sense of where you are and suggest a focus. You decide whether my way of working suits you. Prefer a conversation before committing? Request a free 30-minute call and we can talk it through.
Individual work fits when you want to strengthen your own capacity for trust, calm and repair, whatever your relationship status. Your history, body and expectations are the focus, and we can explore all your relationships without anyone else present.
Working one to one, you get continuity and honest challenge. A reliable relationship with me is one of the places security grows, because it gives you repeated experience of being met and of coming back after a misunderstanding. Online psychotherapy shows my wider individual work.
Couples therapy suits you when the relationship itself needs sustained attention and both of you want to grow. If you keep falling into the same cycle, if repair is hard or if trust needs rebuilding, building security together usually achieves more.
With couples, I help each person see the cycle, own their part and practise new ways of reaching for each other. Online couples therapy is long-term relational development and healing. Many people do individual work first and then bring the relationship in.
The pace depends on how much the old pattern still affects you, how much room you have and how much continuity you want. At this stage, the work can often be steady without being frequent.
I often suggest fortnightly sessions, sometimes weekly at first. I will tell you if the gaps are too long for anything to build, or when we can space sessions further. If you prefer a focused period, back-to-back online psychotherapy places several sessions close together.
A bundle makes sense when you know you want a run of sessions and prefer a plan to deciding each time. Growth work benefits from a clear frame, because it is easy to let it slide once life is going reasonably well.
A bundle lowers the cost per session and gives you a structure agreed at the start. I can help you decide whether it fits the work you have in mind. The bundles are on therapy discounts and bundles and in the cards below.
You will know when calm no longer feels suspicious, when conflict leads to repair and when you can ask for and receive care without strain. Old reactions may still appear, but they pass quickly and no longer decide what you do.
I review progress openly and have no interest in keeping you longer than helps. We plan the ending together. Sessions may thin out, pause or stop. Returning later for a check-in or a new question is part of a healthy relationship with therapy, not a setback.
Not sure this is the right step? Here is how building security compares with the options people at this stage most often weigh up.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Building secure attachment online (this page) | You know your pattern and want trust and repair to feel natural. | Weekly or fortnightly 1-hour video sessions |
| Online attachment therapy | You are still working out what your pattern is. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions at first |
| EFT online psychotherapy | You want to work closely with emotions as they happen. | Regular 1-hour video sessions |
| Online couples therapy | You and a partner want to build security together. | Longer video sessions for both of you |
It is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, for adults who already understand their attachment pattern and want to feel more secure in practice. It focuses on trust, repair after conflict and the ability to give and receive care with less fear.
My approach is depth-oriented and draws on attachment theory, object relations and emotion-focused work. It is the growth-focused part of online attachment therapy.
You are probably ready if you can name your pattern, see it in action and recover from it faster than before, yet still want it to feel different. If the old pattern still takes over most of the time, earlier work may come first.
I look at how quickly you recover, how much the pattern still costs you and what you want next. I will tell you honestly if I think a more focused page fits better.
Yes. Researchers describe this as earned security, and many adults reach it through reliable relationships, including therapy. It does not erase your history. It changes how much your history decides.
In my clinical experience, people get there through many small experiences of being met and of repairing after ruptures. I would focus with you on noticing those moments and making more of them.
Because calm can feel unfamiliar, and the unfamiliar can feel unsafe. If love once came with sudden changes, your body may wait for the next one, even when nothing is wrong.
I help you notice that waiting and slowly let the good in. Over time, steadiness starts to feel like rest rather than a trap. That shift is at the centre of building security.
Repair means coming back to each other after a rupture, acknowledging what happened and reconnecting. It does not require agreeing on everything. It requires both people to feel heard.
I help you practise repair from both sides: reaching out when you feel hurt, and staying open when someone reaches for you. We often rehearse real conversations until the words come more easily.
We start with where you are now. I ask what has changed, where the old pattern still appears and what a more secure life would look like for you. You leave with my first impression and a suggested focus.
There is nothing to prepare. If you have had therapy before, bring what you learned. Pick a first appointment, or try a free 30-minute call before deciding.
Often fewer than earlier stages of attachment work, because you are building on progress you have already made. A focused course over a few months is common, sometimes with sessions spaced out towards the end.
Over 22 years of practice I have learned to agree a defined first stretch with people at this stage and then review it frankly. We then decide together whether to continue, space out sessions or finish.
Yes. Security grows through reliable, attuned contact, and that can happen by video. Meeting at a regular time, wherever you are, gives you exactly the kind of steady experience this work needs.
Bring a quiet room, a pair of headphones and a decent connection. If you move country or travel, our sessions can carry on, which is itself a lesson in continuity.
Sessions are booked as individual online psychotherapy, in 1-hour video appointments with 50 minutes of therapy. You can check today’s fees, quoted in US dollars, on my prices page.
For a planned course, a therapy bundle saves 10 per cent and gives you a structured plan. See therapy discounts and bundles for the options.
Book your first session at a time that suits you, or ask for a free 30-minute call first. The calendar shows times in your local time zone.
If something has recently shaken you and you need help quickly, contact me directly. I keep a little space in my calendar for acute situations, often a time within days. Choose a time, and we will build on what you already have.
You can also send me an email
I want therapy to help you understand your experience and make choices you can use in everyday life. We pay attention to feelings, needs and the responses that happen before you have time to think.
Our online room should offer enough trust and honesty to explore what is difficult. I bring attention and professional judgement. You bring your experience, questions and the right to say when something does not fit.
Sign up for my occasional writing on feelings, relationships and life between cultures. No spam, and you can unsubscribe whenever you like.
Please fill in your details and I’ll contact you soon. I use your details to reply to your enquiry, talk through practicalities and, if you wish, arrange an online session. Requesting a call also adds your email address to my mailing list. Please do not write sensitive information in the message field.
Clicking the button adds your email address to my mailing list. Please read the Privacy Policy for more information.
P.S. I’ll call you in a bit!
