In this short video, I explain why the pull towards people and the urge to escape them can arrive together, and why we go slowly when we work online.
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Online disorganised attachment therapy helps you understand why you can long for closeness and feel frightened of it at the same moment, and how to find steadier ground with the people who matter. We meet by video, one to one, in English, in 1-hour sessions with 50 minutes of therapy, at a time that fits your time zone.
I help you slow the swing down, understand what each side protects and build safety at a pace your body can follow. This page belongs to online attachment therapy, within my online psychotherapy. If one side clearly dominates, see online anxious attachment therapy or online avoidant attachment therapy. When you are ready to grow trust, building secure attachment online is the next step.
You can start with a free 30-minute call, book your first appointment, read the client policy or contact me with a question.
Online disorganised attachment therapy is for English-speaking adults anywhere in the world who want closeness and fear it at the same time. Your relationships tend to be intense, confusing and painful, for you and for the people you love. You want to understand the swing and feel safer inside it.
This page is about wanting and fearing closeness at once. If one of these fits you better, the linked page will be a better start.
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These reviews describe clients’ experiences of working with me. They come from my wider practice and do not all relate to online sessions. Each person’s experience is their own, and a review does not promise a particular outcome.
“Of all the people who find me online, the ones who swing between longing and fear are often the hardest on themselves. They tell me they are too much and too cold, sometimes in the same sentence. I see something else. If the person you ran to as a child was also the person you feared, your system learned to approach and to flee at once, and both answers were sensible. In sessions I hear ‘Please do not give up on me’, then ‘I can handle this alone, just let me be’, and sometimes ‘Come here, but do not touch me’ in a single breath. My strong view is that this work must go slowly. Predictability heals more than insight here, and rushing towards closeness, even with me, usually sets things back.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA. I have practised since 2004 and offer online psychotherapy and couples therapy in English.
My training brings together your emotions, your thoughts and your relationships. My deep passion is the moment when what happens between you finally makes sense, to each of you and to each other. I have lived and worked in nine countries, so I know something of life across languages, cultures and borders.
Read about my background, or explore online psychotherapy and online couples therapy.
I meet regularly with experienced psychotherapists to reflect on my work, question my understanding and develop my skills. Supervision is part of the professional care I bring to individual and couples work, including online sessions.
My focus is thoughtful practice, integrity and responsibility.
You are welcome to ask about the kind of support you need.
Tell me where you are based and your time zone. We can then consider whether online sessions together are suitable.
Elif is 29, a Turkish doctoral researcher living in Montreal. She falls for people quickly and completely. Within weeks she is texting her new partner a dozen times a day. Then one evening he hugs her from behind, and she freezes, goes cold and asks him to leave. The next morning she sends a long apology, and for hours she feels strangely far away from herself. Her last 3 relationships ended this way, and she is starting to believe she is the problem.
I would start by making our sessions as predictable as possible, and only then slow one of those evenings down with her. Later, carefully, we would look at a childhood home where her father could be tender at dinner and frightening by midnight. In a first video session Elif would probably feel relief at hearing that both reactions make sense, and that we can go at her pace.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
You have tried to choose between holding on and running away, and your body keeps choosing both.
You do not need a label, a diagnosis or a clear account of your childhood to come. If your relationships keep turning from intense closeness to sudden fear, and you feel lost inside your own reactions, that is reason enough. In 22 years of practice I have worked with this swing many times, and I know when it needs careful, steady attention rather than more self-blame.
My professional view is that safety comes before analysis. I will help you understand what happens in you as closeness grows, what keeps the swing going and what needs to change, at a pace you can manage. Let the 6 questions below show you whether the swing in your life needs that attention now.
If so, it is worth taking seriously. One week you feel more connected than ever, the next you are hurt, furious or numb, and you cannot say what changed. The intensity leaves you exhausted. Friends may have stopped asking about your love life because the story changes so fast.
I would look at whether the storm has a hidden pattern, often a moment of closeness that sets off fear. Finding that moment helps us tell a hard relationship from a pattern you carry. If you see yourself here, book a session with me and we will begin gently.
Yes, both pulls can be present at once, because each guards something real. One part of you aches for comfort. Another part learned that the people who comfort you can also hurt you, and gets ready to run. You may feel torn in two, unsure which part is truly you.
Neither part is wrong in my eyes. I help you hear both without forcing a winner. When we understand what each is protecting, you can begin to choose how close to come, instead of being thrown back and forth by whichever fear is louder.
For many people with this pattern, yes. A slow reply, a closed door or a tired face can trigger a flood of fear far bigger than the moment. You may beg, accuse or check, and then feel ashamed of how desperate you seemed.
Your need for connection is real and deserves respect. What we work on is the size of the alarm and how quickly it takes over. I help you settle your body first, then name the need, so you can ask for closeness without feeling you are drowning.
This is the heart of the pattern. You pursue someone, then freeze, push them away or go numb when they respond. The flip can happen in seconds. Afterwards you feel confused, guilty and alone, and the other person is confused too.
We slow the flip right down, looking for the exact moment wanting turns to fear. Often it is touch, a certain tone or a sense of being trapped. I have deep compassion for these reactions, and I will also help you take responsibility for the ones that hurt others. Safety and accountability go together here.
Often, yes. When emotions run high you may go blank, feel far away or switch into a flat, practical mode. Hours can pass before you feel like yourself again. To others it can look like coldness, though inside it feels more like hiding.
I do not shame this. It is a way your system protects you when there seems to be no other way out. I help you notice it coming, stay a little more present and say “I am overwhelmed and I need a moment” before you disappear entirely.
When closeness and fear were tangled from early on, it is hard to build a steady sense of self. You may become whoever the other person needs, then feel lost, then furious at yourself for disappearing. Shame often follows. None of this means you are broken. It means you have been surviving something hard.
I help you find what is truly yours: your feelings, your limits, your wishes. That includes what came down through your family, often through generations of hurt. I will challenge you when you abandon yourself, and I will not impose a picture of who you should be. The aim is to feel more whole.
If this swing sounds like yours, a free call gives you a gentle first contact, and booking lets us begin when you are ready.
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Tell me briefly what kind of support you are looking for.
Include your country and time zone so we can discuss whether online work together is possible and find a suitable time.
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Understanding the swing brings relief, and the work then has to change how you respond when closeness and fear arrive together.
I will help you understand what happens in you when someone gets close, recognise the sequence that turns longing into fear and change what you do in those moments. Insight matters. Still, understanding the swing without being able to steady it leaves you just as exhausted.
In my experience, this work needs a therapist who is active and reliable at the same time. I will tell you what I notice, including when the swing shows up between us. I support, guide and challenge, always at a pace you can manage. Here are 6 things we work towards.
Related reading: Why do I pull away from the people I love most? and Why do we keep chasing and pulling away from each other?.
I help you separate the pattern from its consequences. The breakups, outbursts and numb hours are real, but they come at the end of a chain. Earlier in the chain there is usually a moment of closeness, a flash of old fear and a protective reaction your body learned long ago.
I give you my understanding of the pattern and suggest where to start. I will gently question beliefs such as “I ruin everything” when they keep you stuck. If you would like us to look at your own chain, book a session with me.
You can learn the early signals. Perhaps your breath stops, your skin prickles or you feel a sudden urge to escape. Catching even one of these gives you a few seconds, and those seconds create a choice.
In our sessions we revisit real moments slowly and gently, to find the trigger and what it protected. Recognising it is a beginning. We then practise a different response in small steps, until it becomes available on an ordinary day without me there.
Steadying yourself does not mean shutting the feelings down. It means staying present enough to know where you are, who you are with and what you need right now. Some fear points to real danger. Much of it belongs to the past.
I help you notice activation early and learn what your body is responding to. We find simple ways to ground yourself that suit you. I will ask you to practise them daily, because a steadier body is what makes closer relationships possible.
Clear communication begins with knowing what you feel and need, which is hard when you feel 2 opposite things at once. Needs may come out as accusations, sudden silence or tests. The other person reacts, and your fear seems confirmed.
I help you find words that hold both sides, such as “I want you near, and I am scared, so please go slowly”. I will challenge you when you go silent and when you hand someone else the whole job of keeping you calm. We practise until the words feel usable.
Clearer decisions come when you separate panic, guilt and old fears from what you know about this person and this relationship. In this pattern, the urge to stay and the urge to flee can both feel urgent and true.
I help you slow down, look at the evidence and consider what each option would ask of you. I will name it when fear is making the decision, but the choice stays yours. If you rarely spend time single, therapy for always being in a relationship explores that pattern.
Change shows up when an ordinary evening stays ordinary: a hug that does not trigger panic, a disagreement that ends in repair, a quiet weekend that feels safe. You may need slower relationships, clearer agreements and people who are consistent.
We work out together which reactions need to change and which are simply you. Your depth of feeling, your sensitivity and your capacity for love are not the problem. The aim is to feel steadier in your own skin, so closeness becomes possible without fear. Building secure attachment online describes the next stage.
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You do not need to have made sense of your past or found the right words. We begin with what feels hardest in your relationships now.
From our first session, I listen carefully, help you name what matters most and give the work a clear, steady direction. You do not need to tell me everything at once, and we will not go faster than feels safe.
This work is part of online attachment therapy and my online psychotherapy, structured individual work on your inner world and relationships. If the swing plays out mostly with a partner who is willing to work on it with you, online couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. For a planned run of sessions, a therapy bundle gives you real savings and a predictable structure, which matters in this work.
I ask what made you reach out now, what the swing looks like in your current relationships, what you have tried and what you hope will change. We go at your pace. I will also check what helps you feel safe enough to talk.
Before the hour is over, you hear how I understand the swing so far and where I would go next. You decide whether this approach feels right. A free 30-minute call is there if you want to meet me before booking.
Individual therapy fits when the swing goes with you from relationship to relationship, or when you need to feel safer in yourself before working with a partner. Its roots lie in your history and your body, and we can explore every relationship without anyone else present.
Individual sessions give you steady continuity and honest challenge. A reliable working relationship with me becomes part of the healing, a place where closeness can be tried without danger. Online psychotherapy describes my individual work in full.
Couples therapy suits you when the relationship itself needs sustained attention and you are both willing. If the closeness and conflict between you keep swinging, if repair after arguments rarely happens or if trust has been broken, working together usually helps.
With couples, I help each person understand the cycle, own their part and build safer ways of connecting. Online couples therapy is long-term relational development and healing. Some people steady themselves individually first, so that couples work feels safe enough.
The right pace depends on how strongly the swing affects your life, how much capacity you have and how much continuity you need. For this pattern, predictability matters a great deal.
I usually recommend a fixed weekly time to start. I will tell you if sessions are too far apart to build safety, or when we can meet less often. Back-to-back sessions are possible, but I suggest them carefully here, because too much at once can overwhelm.
A bundle helps when you know the work will take several sessions and you want a steady frame. People with this pattern often feel an urge to quit just as therapy starts to feel close. A planned course gives you something reliable to return to.
A bundle reduces the cost per session and gives you a structure agreed in advance. I can help you decide whether it fits. The choices are set out on therapy discounts and bundles and in the cards below.
You will know when closeness feels safer, when arguments can end in repair and when you stay present more often than you vanish. The old swing may still appear, but it no longer runs your life.
I review progress openly and do not encourage therapy that never ends. We plan the ending carefully together, because endings matter in this work. Sessions may become less frequent, pause or stop. Returning later with something new is not a failure.
Not sure this is the right start? Here is how this page compares with the options people with this pattern often consider.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Online disorganised attachment therapy (this page) | You want closeness and fear it at once, and relationships feel like a storm. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions at a fixed time |
| Online attachment therapy | You want the wider view of how you attach before narrowing down. | Weekly or fortnightly video sessions |
| Online childhood trauma therapy | Memories of what happened when you were young are what you most need to work on. | A steady course of video sessions |
| Online anxious attachment therapy | Fear of being left is clearly your main struggle. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions |
It is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, for adults who long for closeness and fear it at the same time. It helps you understand where that tangle comes from, slow the swing down and build steadier, safer relationships.
My approach is depth-oriented, drawing on attachment theory and object relations, with close attention to the body and to pace. This page narrows the wider field of online attachment therapy to the swing itself.
You do not need to be sure. If you recognise intense closeness turning into sudden fear, freezing or pushing away, and it keeps happening, that is reason enough to come.
I look at whether the swing repeats across relationships, how much it costs you and how you feel afterwards. I will not hand you a label. I help you understand what is happening in you.
Yes, it can change, often more than people expect. It is learned, and what was learned in early relationships can be relearned in steady ones. It takes time, and I will not promise a timetable.
In my clinical experience, change comes through a slow build-up of safe experience: a session where you felt understood, a conversation that ended in repair. I would focus with you on making those experiences possible and noticing them.
No, not before you are ready. We start with your relationships now and with what helps you feel safe. Your history comes in gradually, where it helps us understand the present.
If painful memories are what you most need help with, online childhood trauma therapy may be a better focus, and I will tell you honestly if I think so.
Because kindness can feel risky when closeness was once mixed with fear. Your body may expect tenderness to come before hurt, and so it braces, even when the person is safe.
I help you notice that bracing and learn that you can stay a moment longer. Over time, your body can begin to tell the difference between then and now. That difference is at the heart of this work.
We start with what feels hardest now. I ask about a recent moment when closeness turned into fear, what you noticed in your body and what you did. I go gently and check what helps you feel safe. You leave with my first understanding and a sense of direction.
You do not need to prepare. Nerves about the session are welcome, and we can start there. Reserve your first session or begin with a free call.
Plan for a longer course, usually many months of weekly sessions. A pattern formed early and in fear changes through repeated safe experience, and that cannot be rushed. A narrower focus can move sooner.
From 22 years of practice, I recommend a clear first stretch, reviewed honestly, rather than drifting. We decide together whether to carry on, meet less often or plan an ending.
For many people it feels safer, at least at first. Being in your own space and in control of the screen can make it easier to stay present. We pay close attention to what you need to feel grounded.
Have a private room, headphones and a steady connection ready. If you feel very unsettled after a session, we plan for that together. If a crisis arises between sessions, acute online psychotherapy describes how I can help more quickly.
It is booked as individual online psychotherapy, in sessions of one hour that hold 50 minutes of therapy. Up-to-date fees, set in US dollars, are on the prices page.
When you plan a longer stretch, a therapy bundle saves 10 per cent and gives you a predictable plan, which suits this work. The bundles are listed on therapy discounts and bundles.
Book your first session when you feel ready, or request a free 30-minute call to talk first. The calendar shows times in your local time zone.
If things feel urgent, send me a message. I hold some room for acute cases, usually within days. Take the step that feels manageable, and we will build from there.
You can also send me an email
I want therapy to help you understand your experience and make choices you can use in everyday life. We pay attention to feelings, needs and the responses that happen before you have time to think.
Our online room should offer enough trust and honesty to explore what is difficult. I bring attention and professional judgement. You bring your experience, questions and the right to say when something does not fit.
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