In this short video, I explain why a man’s shame usually turns up disguised as anger, numbness or endless work, and how we reach what lies beneath it together.
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Online therapy for shame in men helps you work with the private conviction that you are weak, a failure or not man enough, and with the clever ways you keep it hidden. It is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, in 1-hour sessions with 50 minutes of therapy, booked at a time that works in your time zone.
I help you recognise shame when it is dressed as irritability, secrecy, humour or overwork, and loosen its grip so you can stop hiding. This is a focused branch of online masculinity and identity therapy, part of my online psychotherapy for men. Its closest sibling is online father wound therapy.
When you are ready, pick a session time or start with a free 30-minute call. You can also read my client policy or send me a note.
Online therapy for shame in men is for men anywhere in the world who carry a heavy, private feeling of not being good enough as a man. Outwardly you may seem confident, funny or in control, while inside you dread being found out. You want to stop hiding and feel able to stand in front of people as you are.
Shame runs through many problems, and some of them need a more specific kind of help. If a line below fits you better, follow its link.
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These reviews describe clients’ experiences of working with me. They come from my wider practice and do not all relate to online sessions. Each person’s experience is their own, and a review does not promise a particular outcome.
“A man rarely looks ashamed in front of me. He looks angry, busy, witty or perfectly fine. A man’s shame tends to wear armour, because looking weak once felt like the most dangerous thing a boy could do. Beneath the armour one voice asks ‘If you saw what I really am, would you still think I was worth anything?’ Another answers ‘I will carry this alone, and nobody ever needs to find out.’ Some men say both in a breath: ‘Stay with me, but please do not look.’ I am convinced that much of the anger I meet in men is shame in disguise, and it rarely settles until we meet what it guards.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA. I have practised since 2004 and offer online psychotherapy and couples therapy in English.
My training brings together your emotions, your thoughts and your relationships. My deep passion is the moment when what happens between you finally makes sense, to each of you and to each other. I have lived and worked in nine countries, so I know something of life across languages, cultures and borders.
Read about my background, or explore online psychotherapy and online couples therapy.
I meet regularly with experienced psychotherapists to reflect on my work, question my understanding and develop my skills. Supervision is part of the professional care I bring to individual and couples work, including online sessions.
My focus is thoughtful practice, integrity and responsibility.
You are welcome to ask about the kind of support you need.
Tell me where you are based and your time zone. We can then consider whether online sessions together are suitable.
Owen is 40, Welsh, and sells medical equipment across the Gulf from his base in Dubai. He coaches his son’s football team, laughs loudest at the barbecue and always buys the first round. 6 months ago he made an expensive error on a large contract. Nobody lost their job, but he has never told his wife how close it came. Now he checks email at 2 in the morning, snaps at his son over homework and has stopped turning up to Thursday football.
I would not begin with the contract. I would begin with the moment Owen decided nobody could know. In a first video session he would probably notice that the hiding now hurts more than the mistake ever did, and that he learned to hide long before Dubai.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
You have kept this feeling behind a locked door for years, and holding the door shut is taking more strength every month.
You do not have to reach some threshold of shame before you come. If you feel that you are hiding, that an inner voice keeps calling you weak, or that your relationships suffer because nobody really knows you, that is enough. No diagnosis or full confession is needed. In 22 years of practice I have sat with many men carrying shame they had never put into words, and I can tell when it has become a pattern.
I will help you see where the shame lives in you, what keeps it out of sight and what has to change. The 6 questions below can help you decide whether now is the time.
If you are, take it seriously. A great many men carry one: money trouble, a habit, a failure at work, something from years back. It costs energy every day. You steer conversations, keep things light and feel a jolt whenever someone drifts close to the subject.
I would look at what you fear would happen if it came out, and who first taught you that fear. That tells us whether this is one hard fact or a lifelong habit of hiding. If that is your situation, book a session with me. Nothing you tell me will shock me.
Both pulls are real, and they look after different needs. One part of you wants a person who sees all of you and stays. Another is a boy who learned that exposure brought laughter, punishment or pity. So people get halfway in before you steer back to sport or work.
The hiding part is not my enemy. It did a job once. In our sessions you learn what each pull is protecting, and from there you can decide for yourself how much to reveal, to whom and at what pace. The old reflex simply stops making every call.
Many men do this without ever saying it. A raised eyebrow on a video call, a mate’s teasing or your partner’s sigh can feel like a ruling on your entire worth. You replay it, draft comebacks and work twice as hard so it never happens again.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be respected. What I work on is the alarm that goes off before anyone has actually judged you. We trace the old fear behind it, and you rehearse a short, honest line such as “that got to me”, said calmly, instead of freezing someone out or hitting back.
This is one of the plainest signs of shame. You tell a friend something true late one evening, or let your partner see you cry, and the next morning you feel sick with exposure. So you go distant, laugh it off or start an argument to make sure it never happens again.
On screen we can replay that night slowly and find the exact second when being close started to feel dangerous. Your caution makes sense to me, and I will still invite you to stay a little longer each time, until you learn that being seen need not end in humiliation.
Plenty of men do. When a sense of failure rises, you stay late, lift heavier, scroll for hours or pour another drink. It feels like control and keeps the feeling out of view. The cost is that nothing gets resolved, and the people at home feel locked out.
I do not read that retreat as laziness or coldness. Usually it keeps you from drowning in a feeling you have no words for, and I will not add to the shame by scolding it. We look at what the distance spares you, and you practise a short warning, “I am in a bad place tonight”, before you go missing.
Years of hiding can make a man smaller. You stop dancing, singing, asking questions or trying new things in case you look a fool. You pick the safe career and the safe opinions, and after a while you no longer know what you would do if nobody were watching.
Part of our work is telling apart your real character from the narrow edition shame has let you live. I will name it when you shrink, and I will not design a new you. We are after your own sense of what matters and what sort of man you want to be.
If something here hit home, book a free call to test the water, or choose a session time if you already know it is time.
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Tell me briefly what kind of support you are looking for.
Include your country and time zone so we can discuss whether online work together is possible and find a suitable time.
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Understanding your shame matters, yet change comes when you act differently: speaking up, hiding less and letting yourself be known.
I will help you see how shame operates in you, where it started and what keeps it in place, and then change what you do when it rises. Insight alone achieves little here. Shame shifts when you do something different in the presence of another person.
I take an active role. I have been a student of men’s work since 2010, and it adds to and deepens my training as a psychotherapist rather than standing in for it. Two writers help me name what men are up against. Robert Glover’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy” describes the man who conceals his needs and flaws to earn approval, makes silent bargains and dodges conflict, with shame beneath it all. Sam Keen’s “Fire in the Belly” shows how a man’s worth gets welded to work and winning, so that any failure feels like a failure of the whole self. These 6 questions describe what we work towards.
Related reading: Why do I still feel like a fraud when I am doing well? and Why do I feel guilty all the time?.
First we pull apart the feeling and the behaviour it fuels. The short temper, the hidden spending, the extra beers and the 14-hour days all matter, yet they often exist to keep one old verdict out of earshot: “not enough”, or its twin, “too much”.
I will say what I notice, including the explanations that keep you stuck, like “I am just hard on myself”. The body comes into it as well, since shame often shows up as a hot face or a hollow stomach before any thought arrives. Book a session with me once you want to start.
You can learn to catch it early. Shame moves quickly: a hot face, eyes going down, a sinking feeling, then within seconds a sharp reply or a quick exit. Once you know those first signals, you have a moment in which to choose.
In our sessions we take recent moments apart slowly, so you can see what set the shame off and how you covered it. Spotting it is only the start. We practise a different response until you can use it in a meeting, over dinner or in bed.
Steadying yourself is not pretending you feel fine. It means staying present enough to think “this is shame” without obeying it. Shame wants you either to hide or to hit back, and regulation gives you another option: to stay and breathe.
I help you recognise the flood earlier and understand what your body is reacting to, often something older than the moment itself. We find simple ways of grounding that suit you, and I will ask you to use them between sessions, because that is where they begin to work.
Honest speech begins with knowing what you feel and what you need from the other person. Shame gets in the way. You over-apologise, defend every point or say nothing, and the truth stays stuck.
We search for a way of putting it that is truthful and the right size for the moment. I will notice when you go quiet, and also when you quietly expect someone else to make the shame disappear. Often we practise the actual conversation, whether it is with your wife, your manager or an old friend, until the words come out straight.
Hold the dread of being judged at arm’s length and look at what you actually want, and the picture sharpens. Left alone, shame chooses a lot for men without their noticing: staying in the wrong job, never asking for help, remaining in a marriage that ended in all but name.
We lay out the real options side by side and ask what each would demand of you. You will hear my opinion, including when shame has its hand on the wheel, but the final call is yours.
You admit a mistake at work and move on. You tell a friend the truth over coffee. You ask for help before things fall apart. Glover’s way out, through honesty, boundaries and real friendships with other men, often turns out to be very practical.
We decide between us what needs to go and what is worth keeping. Ambition, high standards and the urge to look after your family are good things. They just work better when they come from self-respect than from fear, and then you can be seen and still stand tall.
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You do not have to tell me everything, or anything in particular, in our first hour. We begin wherever it feels possible.
From the start I listen closely, help you put a name to the centre of the difficulty and set a course. What you reveal, and when, is up to you. Men often say the booking was the hard part.
This is focused online psychotherapy, a structured look at you, your past and your relationships. If shame is mostly playing out with a partner who is willing to join, online couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. For work you expect to run a while, therapy discounts and bundles bring real savings and a plan that holds you to it.
You tell me what pushed you to book this week, where the shame bites hardest and what you have already tried. You set the speed. I may ask about your parents and your school years, since the habit of hiding usually starts there.
Before we finish I give you my early read and a proposed direction, and you decide whether it rings true. If you would like a conversation first, request a free 30-minute call.
Nearly always, to begin with. Shame is lodged in your past, your inner commentary and the defences you built, and it only comes out somewhere private and steady. Men regularly tell me things one to one that they could not say with a partner listening.
Working alone with me gives you a thread from week to week and someone who will challenge you honestly. You can read more about my structured individual work by video.
Bring your partner in when the relationship is the thing that needs steady care. A secret that has surfaced, a partner whose every comment sparks a row, or a pattern where one of you chases and the other goes dark are all signs that joint work would help more.
With both of you on the call, I help you see the cycle, own your part and build more secure ways of relating. Online couples therapy is long-term relational development and healing. Some men work alone first.
The rhythm depends on how much the shame weighs, how busy your life is and how much continuity you need. Left for long, shame quietly closes over again, so regular contact keeps it open long enough to change.
I suggest weekly or fortnightly sessions to start. I will tell you if the gaps are too long, if a closer run makes sense or if we can space out. Back-to-back sessions over a few days are also possible if that suits your life.
Choose a bundle once you can see the work will run over several sessions. Shame is always looking for the door, and the day after a session where you said something difficult, cancelling can feel very tempting. Sessions already paid for and planned remove that temptation.
The savings are real, and a structured plan gives you something to hold on to. I will tell you whether one fits. Compare the options on therapy discounts and bundles, or in the cards further down.
You will know when shame has stopped making your decisions, when you can be honest about yourself with the people who matter and when you no longer need weekly support. The old feeling may still knock now and then. It simply does not get to run the house.
We check progress together in plain terms, and I have no interest in making you reliant on me. Sessions can space out, pause or end. Returning one day because a new event has woken old feelings is not a setback. It is simply how a life goes.
Not sure this is where to start? Here is how online therapy for shame in men sits beside the nearest alternatives.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Online therapy for shame in men (this page) | A hidden sense of not being man enough shapes how you live and relate. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions at first |
| Online father wound therapy | The shame clearly goes back to your father. | A steady course of 1-hour video sessions |
| Online nice guy syndrome therapy | You hide your needs to be liked and avoid conflict. | Weekly or fortnightly video sessions |
| Online anger management for men | Your temper is the first thing that has to change. | Video sessions close together at first |
I offer individual psychotherapy by video, in English, for men who carry a deep, private sense of not being good enough, and who hide it behind anger, work, humour, secrecy or silence. Together we trace where that sense began and loosen the hold it has on your choices.
The work sits under my masculinity and identity branch and draws on depth psychotherapy. Compared with my general page on shame, this one stays close to how men in particular carry and conceal it.
Come once keeping things hidden starts to cost you sleep, health, intimacy or your own respect, or once your flare-ups over small remarks begin to scare you. Nothing has to break first. Feeling that the load is too heavy to carry alone is a good enough reason.
I ask how long this has been with you and what you have given up to keep it covered. Many men who appear to be fine are quietly carrying exactly this.
Yes, often it can. Early shame is bound up with how a boy found ways to get through, and what was learned in that way can be looked at and eased by the man. I will not promise a quick fix or a timetable.
In my clinical experience, men are often surprised by how much lighter they feel after saying the thing out loud to someone who does not flinch. I would focus with you on what the shame protected you from then, and what it no longer needs to guard.
No. You choose what to share and when, and I will never prise it out of you. Plenty of men circle the story for a while before they reach its middle, and that is a perfectly sound way to work.
It also helps to know whether what you carry is shame about who you are or guilt about something you did. If it is mainly guilt, online guilt therapy may be the better place to begin.
Anger is the faster, stronger-feeling exit. Shame shrinks you and leaves you exposed, while anger has you upright and armed in a heartbeat. Some men take the other exit and turn icy and silent. Both are protection, not proof of bad character.
We watch for the instant shame tips into a raised voice or a shut door, ask what that switch guards and count what it costs your family. Then you try out sturdier moves, like a plain “that stung”, said without a counterattack.
Then we start with the freezing, and that is fine. My first questions are easy ones about your days and what tipped you into booking. We can go at the shame head on, or sideways. Before the hour ends you will hear what I make of it.
There is nothing to prepare. “I do not know where to start” is a perfectly good opening. Reserve your first session whenever it feels right, or try a free discovery call first.
Expect a few months of regular work, often weekly or fortnightly at first. When the shame is old, or knotted together with a secret, a compulsion or a long relationship, it tends to take more time.
After 22 years of practice, my habit is to set an initial block of sessions with you and look back over it honestly at the end. Then we choose together: carry on, ease the pace or finish.
For many men, yes. Speaking from your own room, with no waiting room and nobody you know nearby, can make the first words easier to say. Being seen by someone who does not look away still happens on screen, and that is part of what heals shame.
You need a private space where you cannot be overheard, headphones and a stable connection. If you share a home, a parked car or a booked office room can work well. We can sort out any doubts on a free call.
Like all my individual psychotherapy, it is booked as 1-hour online sessions with 50 minutes of therapy. My prices page gives today’s figure in US dollars.
If you expect a run of sessions, a bundle brings the cost down by 10 per cent and gives you a structured plan. The choices are on therapy discounts and bundles.
Book your first session directly, or ask for a free 30-minute call if you want to hear my voice first. You do not need to say much in advance, and the calendar shows your local time.
Should no slot fit, or should you be in a bad way right now, write to me. I keep some space for acute cases, usually within days, which acute online psychotherapy describes. Take the step, and we start from there.
You can also send me an email
I want therapy to help you understand your experience and make choices you can use in everyday life. We pay attention to feelings, needs and the responses that happen before you have time to think.
Our online room should offer enough trust and honesty to explore what is difficult. I bring attention and professional judgement. You bring your experience, questions and the right to say when something does not fit.
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P.S. I’ll call you in a bit!
