In this short video, I explain why pulling away once kept you safe, and how we work on staying close a little longer when we meet by video.
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Online avoidant attachment therapy helps you understand why closeness can start to feel crowding, demanding or unsafe, and why you reach for distance when someone wants more of you. We meet by video, one to one, in English, in 1-hour sessions with 50 minutes of therapy, at a time that works in your time zone.
I help you notice what distance protects you from, stay present a little longer and say what you need before you withdraw. This page sits within online attachment therapy, part of my online psychotherapy. If you fear being left rather than crowded, online anxious attachment therapy is closer to you, and online disorganised attachment therapy is for swinging between both.
To begin, take a free 30-minute call, book a session time, read the client policy or drop me a message.
Online avoidant attachment therapy is for English-speaking adults around the world who handle life by relying on themselves and feel uneasy when others need too much. People close to you may have said they cannot reach you. You want to understand why, and to keep your independence while letting someone in.
This page is for people who protect themselves with distance. If another description fits better, the page linked will help you more.
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These reviews describe clients’ experiences of working with me. They come from my wider practice and do not all relate to online sessions. Each person’s experience is their own, and a review does not promise a particular outcome.
“Working with people in many time zones, I have met a great many who arrive only because someone else asked them to. A partner said ‘I feel alone with you’, and they came partly to prove that nothing was wrong. I take their independence seriously. It is a real strength, and I will not try to talk anyone out of it. My disagreement is with independence as the only option. Underneath the competence I usually hear ‘Leave me to sort it out, I am fine’, and much further down a quieter voice asking ‘If I let you in, would you still be there when I need you?’. That second voice is rarely spoken aloud. When it finally is, people tell me the relief is almost physical.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA. I have practised since 2004 and offer online psychotherapy and couples therapy in English.
My training brings together your emotions, your thoughts and your relationships. My deep passion is the moment when what happens between you finally makes sense, to each of you and to each other. I have lived and worked in nine countries, so I know something of life across languages, cultures and borders.
Read about my background, or explore online psychotherapy and online couples therapy.
I meet regularly with experienced psychotherapists to reflect on my work, question my understanding and develop my skills. Supervision is part of the professional care I bring to individual and couples work, including online sessions.
My focus is thoughtful practice, integrity and responsibility.
You are welcome to ask about the kind of support you need.
Tell me where you are based and your time zone. We can then consider whether online sessions together are suitable.
Kwame is 45, a finance director from Accra who now lives in Zurich with his wife and 2 children. He is the person everyone calls in a crisis, and he likes it that way. At home it is different. When his wife wants to talk about how she feels, he grows quiet, checks his phone or offers a solution, and the conversation ends with her in tears. Last month she said she feels as if she lives with a colleague. He was hurt, and said nothing.
I would begin with that last conversation, moment by moment, and ask Kwame what happened in his body as her voice changed. Later we would look at the household he grew up in, where being strong may have been the only safe way to be. In a first video session he would probably notice that his calm is a door closing, not an absence of feeling.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
You have built a life that works on your own terms, and still the people you love say they cannot get close to you.
You do not need a crisis, a diagnosis or a clear problem to come. If people close to you keep hitting the same wall, or you notice yourself pulling back just as things start to matter, that is reason enough. In 22 years of practice I have met this pattern in many guises, often in highly capable people, and I can tell when healthy self-reliance has hardened into a habit that costs you.
My professional view is that we learn most from the moment you step back. I will help you see what happens in you just before you withdraw, what keeps the pattern in place and what needs to change. These 6 questions can help you decide.
If you have heard this more than once, take it seriously. You may be present in body, reliable with practical things and loyal, yet a partner or friend feels shut out. You think you are being steady. They experience a door that is quietly closed. Arguments about it leave you tired and confused.
I would look at whether this complaint appears in several relationships or only one. A repeated theme points to a pattern you bring, rather than a mismatch. If this sounds familiar, book a session with me and we will look at what happens when someone reaches for you.
Both wishes can be real. One part of you wants companionship, touch and someone who knows you. Another part values freedom and senses danger when someone starts to rely on you. You may pursue a relationship eagerly, then feel the walls close in after a few months.
I do not see the wish for freedom as the problem and the wish for closeness as the goal. Each protects something important. I help you hear both, so you can choose how close to be instead of escaping each time the walls seem to move.
Often this is the hidden side of keeping a distance. Beneath the self-sufficiency there may be a quiet certainty that people cannot be relied on. When a partner is late or forgets something important, you do not protest. You simply note it and trust them a little less.
That fear deserves respect, not dismissal. I help you notice the moment you quietly withdraw trust, and learn to say what you need instead. Admitting a need is not weakness. It gives the other person a chance to prove the fear wrong, which silence never does.
Yes, many people find closeness easier at a distance. Long-distance calls feel warm, and planning a reunion feels exciting. Then the person arrives, the space fills up and you start to feel restless or critical. You may not understand it yourself.
We look slowly at the point where warmth turns into withdrawal, often a moment when you feel watched, needed or expected to perform. I have compassion for how this protects you, and I will ask you to take responsibility for the coolness when it wounds someone. If you swing hard between longing and escape, online disorganised attachment therapy may fit better.
This is the heart of the pattern for many people. When a partner is upset, angry or tearful, you feel a pressure to escape. You become logical, change the subject, go for a run or simply go blank. It feels like staying calm. To the other person, it can feel like abandonment.
I do not shame the need for space. It may once have been the only safe option. I help you understand what intense feeling threatens you with, stay a few minutes longer than is comfortable and tell the other person “I need a break and I will come back”. Space with a return date is very different from disappearing.
When you learned early that needs were unwelcome, you may have stopped noticing them at all. You know what has to be done, not what you feel or want. Living abroad or moving often can reinforce this, because you get used to starting over without support. None of this makes you cold. It shows how well you adapted.
I help you gently find out what you feel, what you long for and what you inherited from a family where strength may have mattered more than tenderness. I will challenge you when you brush yourself aside, without telling you who to be. The aim is a fuller sense of yourself and of the closeness that suits you.
If this distance sounds like yours, a free call is a low-pressure way to ask questions, and booking lets you start.
You can also send me an email
Tell me briefly what kind of support you are looking for.
Include your country and time zone so we can discuss whether online work together is possible and find a suitable time.
You do not need to explain your whole story in your first message.
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Understanding why you pull away is useful, but the work also has to change what you do when someone reaches for you.
I will help you understand what closeness sets off in you, recognise the sequence that leads to withdrawal and make changes the people around you can feel. Insight alone is not enough. If you understand everything and still leave the room, nothing has really shifted.
In my experience, people who keep their distance often expect a therapist to listen politely. I do more than that. I will notice when you go factual or change the subject with me, and I will name it gently. I guide and I challenge. These 6 questions show where we go.
For men: online therapy for conflict avoidance in men. Related reading: Why do I go cold when someone gets close to me?, Why do I back away when someone starts to love me? and Why do I find it so hard to let anyone help me?.
I help you separate the withdrawal from what drives it. The long hours, the quiet evenings and the sense of being unreachable are effects. Underneath there is usually a belief such as “if I need someone, I will be let down”, and a body that braces when emotion rises.
I give you my honest reading and point to what matters most. I will question explanations like “I am just a private person” when they keep you stuck. When you are ready to look at it with me, book a session with me.
You can learn to sense the early signs. Perhaps your jaw tightens, your attention drifts to your phone or a thought appears: “this is too much”. Spotting that early creates a short pause in which you can choose to stay.
In sessions we revisit real moments and slow them down to see what triggered the urge and what it protected. Then we practise staying a little longer, in small steps, until it is possible at home on an ordinary evening. Understanding the urge is not enough on its own.
Regulating does not mean switching off. It means staying present enough to take in what the other person feels and still know what you feel. Some overwhelm is reasonable. Some is an old reaction to emotion that once felt dangerous or unmanageable.
I help you notice the first signs of overload and learn what your nervous system is reacting to. We find practical ways for you to settle while staying in contact. Practise between sessions for a few minutes a day, and the change becomes real.
Clear limits start with knowing what you feel and what you need. Many people who keep a distance never say “not now” or “I need time”. They simply go, and the other person is left guessing. Unspoken limits often turn into silent resentment.
I help you find words that are honest and proportionate, such as “I want to hear this, and I need 10 minutes first”. I will challenge the habit of going silent, and also the habit of making others responsible for never upsetting you. We practise until it feels possible.
Decisions get clearer when you separate the reflex to escape from what you actually think about the person. Avoidant doubt often grows as closeness grows, so the very moment a relationship deepens is the moment it starts to look wrong.
I help you look at the evidence honestly and consider what each option would ask of you. I will say when I think you are leaving to avoid feeling, and I will respect your decision either way. If you sense you undo good things just as they begin, online self-sabotage therapy looks at that.
Change shows up in ordinary moments: staying in the conversation when your partner cries, telling a friend you are struggling, enjoying a long weekend together without counting the hours. You may need new routines, honest agreements about time alone and people you can trust with more of you.
Your independence, calm and competence are not the problem, and we are not trying to remove them. I help you decide what to change and what to keep, so closeness becomes a choice rather than a strain. Building secure attachment online describes the next stage.
You can also send me an email
You do not need to explain your past or feel ready to talk about feelings. We begin with what is happening in your relationships now.
From the first session, I listen carefully, help you name the pattern that matters most and set a clear direction. You do not need a diagnosis, and you do not have to open up all at once.
This page is a focused part of online attachment therapy and of my online psychotherapy, structured individual work on how you relate. If your partner is ready to work on the distance between you, online couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. If you know you want a run of sessions, therapy discounts and bundles give you savings and the safety of a set plan.
I ask what brought you to me now, who has said they feel shut out, what you have already tried and what you would like to be different. We keep the pace manageable. You decide how much you share.
Before we end, I give you my first impression of the pattern and suggest a way forward. You decide whether it feels useful. If you would like to check me out first, arrange a free 30-minute call.
Individual work makes sense when the pattern goes with you from one relationship to the next, or when you want to understand yourself before involving a partner. Many people who keep their distance find it easier to start alone, and we can explore every relationship without anyone else present.
One to one, you get continuity, direction and honest challenge. Our steady relationship becomes a place to practise letting someone know you a little more. Online psychotherapy gives the wider picture of my individual work.
Couples therapy suits you when the relationship itself needs sustained work. If your partner pursues and you retreat, if the same argument about closeness keeps returning or if trust has worn thin, working on the cycle together usually achieves more.
With couples, I help each person see the dance, own their part and build safer ways to connect. Online couples therapy is long-term relational development and healing. If your partner wants change but you would rather start alone, individual sessions first are a sensible step.
The right pace depends on how strongly the pattern is affecting your life, how much room your schedule has and how much continuity the work needs. People who keep a distance often prefer long gaps, which is exactly why rhythm matters.
I usually suggest weekly or fortnightly sessions to start. I will tell you if the gaps are letting the pattern close over our work, or when we can safely meet less. For people who travel a lot, sessions can sometimes be placed back-to-back over a few days.
A bundle fits when you can see the work will take several sessions and want continuity rather than deciding each time. Distance has a way of creeping into therapy too. A planned course makes it harder to drift off when the work gets close.
A bundle lowers the price per session and gives you a structure agreed at the start. I can help you work out whether it matches the scope of what you want. Compare the choices on therapy discounts and bundles and in the cards below.
You will know when you can stay in a hard conversation, ask for help without feeling diminished and enjoy closeness without counting the minutes. The urge to withdraw may still appear, but you notice it and choose.
I review progress openly and have no interest in keeping you in therapy longer than it helps. We plan the ending together. Sessions may become less frequent, pause or end. Coming back later with something new is a sign of care for yourself, not of failure.
Not sure this is where to start? Here is how it compares with the nearby pages people with this pattern tend to consider.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Online avoidant attachment therapy (this page) | Closeness makes you feel crowded and you protect yourself with distance. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions at first |
| Online attachment therapy | You see more than one pattern and want the broader view. | Weekly or fortnightly video sessions |
| Online anxious attachment therapy | Your fear is of being left, not of being crowded. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions |
| Building secure attachment online | You understand your pattern and want to build trust from here. | A planned course of video sessions |
It is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, for adults who protect themselves by keeping people at a distance and find closeness uncomfortable or tiring. It helps you understand where that strategy comes from, what it costs and how to let people closer without losing yourself.
My approach is depth-oriented, drawing on attachment theory and object relations, with attention to your body as well as your thoughts. It is one of the focused pages within online attachment therapy.
Needing space is healthy. It becomes a problem when it costs you relationships, when people you love keep saying they cannot reach you, or when you withdraw even from things you want.
I look at whether the same complaint appears with different people, whether the distance is growing and what you miss out on because of it. If you recognise yourself here, that is reason enough to talk.
Yes, most people can. You do not need to become a different person. You learn to stay present a little longer, notice what you feel and say it. I cannot promise how quickly, and I will not rush you.
In my clinical experience, change comes in small, repeated steps: one conversation you did not leave, one need you named. I would focus with you on those steps and on what they teach your body about safety.
Possibly in part, though not in the way it sounds. You probably have plenty of feeling, but learned to keep it out of reach. Your partner experiences the closed door, not what is behind it.
I will not take sides. I help you see your share of the pattern honestly, without shame, and also notice what your partner brings. If you both want to work on it together, online couples therapy is the place.
Because closeness can quietly feel like a threat. As someone starts to rely on you, a part of you starts finding reasons to step back. The doubts feel like insight, but they are often protection.
I help you notice when interest fades and what happened just before. We look at whether the doubts are about the person or about being needed. That distinction often changes how you see your relationship history.
We start with a recent moment when you pulled back or someone said they felt shut out. I ask what you noticed in yourself, what you did and what happened next, and a little about how feelings were handled in your family. You leave with my first impression and a direction.
You do not need to prepare or be ready to talk about feelings. If you are sceptical, bring that too. When you are ready, reserve a first session or try a free 30-minute call first.
Plan for several months rather than a few sessions. A pattern that has protected you for decades changes through repeated new experience. A specific issue in one relationship can move sooner.
From 22 years of practice, I recommend a clear first stretch with an honest review, rather than open-ended drifting. We decide together whether to continue, space sessions out or end.
For many people it suits them well, at least at the start. A screen can feel less exposing than a room, which makes it easier to begin. We then use that feeling of safety to go deeper.
All you need is a room to yourself, headphones and a reliable connection. If your partner wants to work on the relationship and you are not ready to join, online couples therapy alone lets them begin on their own.
It is booked as individual psychotherapy, in 1-hour video sessions with 50 minutes of therapy each. The prices page lists current fees in US dollars.
If you expect a longer piece of work, a therapy bundle saves 10 per cent per session and gives you a structured plan. For the details of each bundle, see therapy discounts and bundles before you decide.
Book your first session when it suits you, or ask for a free 30-minute call if you prefer to talk first. The calendar shows times in your local time zone.
If a relationship crisis has made things urgent, such as an ultimatum or a partner moving out, contact me directly. I hold some room for acute cases, often within days, and acute online psychotherapy covers that help. Take the first step, and we will go at a pace you can manage.
You can also send me an email
I want therapy to help you understand your experience and make choices you can use in everyday life. We pay attention to feelings, needs and the responses that happen before you have time to think.
Our online room should offer enough trust and honesty to explore what is difficult. I bring attention and professional judgement. You bring your experience, questions and the right to say when something does not fit.
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P.S. I’ll call you in a bit!
