At a glance
Arguing in a relationship about everything usually means one real question has been left unanswered, and now every small topic carries its weight. You both long to be understood, yet your separate ways of seeking it get in each other’s way. I describe how the loop works and where you can break it.
Clinical insights from 22 years in psychotherapy
I’m Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist in Copenhagen. Qualified at the Psychosynthesis Education Trust and the University of East London. 22 years of full-time, face-to-face clinical practice.
- The topic nobody raises. When couples tell me they fight about everything, I listen for the subject they no longer bring up directly, because the rest flows from there.
- Replies prepared in advance. Partners often come to a row with their answer already drafted, so the exchange is decided before a word is said.
- Repair matters more than volume. Loud couples who make up quickly worry me much less than quiet ones who never return to a row.
Clinical notes: My observations are anonymised and compounded from my session notes since 2004.
Why are we suddenly fighting over small things?
Once a genuine disagreement is left unresolved, it spreads into every minor topic able to hold it.
The laundry is seldom only about laundry, and yet it is not nothing either. A minor topic is a safe vessel for a major grievance, because you can raise it without naming what would be costlier to say. So the big thing stays hidden, the small things multiply, and you both start to feel the whole relationship is failing rather than that one question in it is waiting.
Notice what this spreading protects you from. Bickering about the dishwasher feels safer than asking whether the two of you still want the same future. You may think the row is pointless and still keep it on the dishwasher, steering away whenever the bigger question gets close, and feel an odd relief when the night ends with nothing decided.
Does it matter which of us starts it?
The person who speaks first rarely started it, because by then the argument is already running inside both of you.
- The first line continues something. It picks up from yesterday, from something neither of you named.
- Answers are already drafted. You each know the other’s position, so you defend instead of listening.
- Silence counts too. Saying nothing gets read as a judgement, whatever you intended.
- Separate private scoreboards. You are each keeping count, and the totals never agree.
Who started it is the least helpful question you can ask, yet couples spend most of their energy on it. It feels like a question about fairness. In practice it decides who has to change, which is exactly why neither of you will give it up.
Why does neither of us feel heard?
Explaining yourself more forcefully is the move most likely to fail, because the problem is not that your partner is missing information.
Partners read each other less well than they believe. When 155 couples were filmed during a disagreement and later asked to name their partner’s thoughts and emotions, they were right only about a fifth of the time1. That comes from one sample and describes rather than dictates. It fits my experience: long-term partners, each confident they can read the other, and both wrong much more often than they suspect.
In sessions the shape is clear. As one partner pushes harder for understanding, the other responds more as a separate self, which makes the first push harder still. Pushing tries to connect. Pulling back tries to keep balance. Neither intends harm, and each lands as a wound anyway.
Does this much arguing mean we are finished?
How often you argue says little by itself; what counts is whether contempt has crept in and whether repair still works.
Some couples argue loudly and remain close because they come back to it quickly and settle something. Others rarely argue and are much further apart, because nothing is ever mended and each episode is stored rather than resolved.
The combination worth watching is one partner withdrawing while the other presses or attacks. In a study of 175 Spanish couples, that pattern was linked with lower satisfaction for both partners2. It was a cross-sectional study, so it shows a link and cannot show direction.
The warning sign I weigh most heavily is contempt, which is a different animal from anger. Anger says I care about this. Contempt says you are not worth the effort.
What is happening in our bodies during a row?
A change happens in you before the first harsh word, and you can catch it if you pay attention. Your chest or jaw tightens. Your voice rises. Breathing becomes quick and high. You start listening only for the words you can use to hit back.
Once that has happened, the argument is largely beyond your control, and beyond your partner’s too. Nobody is choosing to be unreasonable. Both your nervous systems have concluded that this is a threat, and a threatened body handles subtlety badly. The helpful step is therefore early and physical: pause, sit, drink water, reconvene in 20 minutes. Think of it less as a technique and more as the only sensible option at that heat.
How do we break the loop, and when is that not enough?
Give up winning the minor rows, name the one question beneath them, and make repair routine rather than rare.
- Name the hidden question. Each of you notes the topic you have stopped raising, then voices it once without debating it.
- Let go of who started it. It cannot be proven, and nothing useful hangs on the answer.
- Stop sooner. Pause the moment you notice you are defending instead of listening, long before anyone is shouting.
- Repair deliberately. Come back to it before bed and own your part, not theirs.
- Keep outside stress outside. Work, money and a draining week belong outside the relationship. Say so aloud when that is what is setting the tone.
Treat these as a sequence to try, not a timetable. The time this takes varies from couple to couple, and a couple of good weeks do not undo a pattern that has run for years.
At times this falls short and is best not tried on your own. If contempt has taken hold, if one of you feels frightened rather than angry during rows, or if one partner has quietly decided to leave and is managing the other, these steps rest on something that is no longer true. If arguing is the last contact between you, it is propping something up, and removing it without replacing it makes things worse. Distinguishing these from within is difficult, and worth doing slowly with a third person present, which online couples therapy offers wherever you both are.
Questions people ask
Won’t couples therapy turn into one more row, only with a witness?
No, because my role is to interrupt the loop, not referee it, and a first session mostly maps the pattern rather than replaying it. If it starts replaying on the call, I step in.
What if only one of us is keen?
Each of you needs to be willing to attend, though you need not agree yet on what is wrong. Hoping for different results is fine; declining to come is the obstacle.
Is it worth coming alone if my partner refuses?
Yes, because when one person responds differently, a pattern that needs two people to sustain it slows down. It is less powerful than attending together, but far from pointless.
How will we know the sessions are helping?
Rows usually get shorter before they get rarer, and repair starts sooner afterwards. Frequency drops later, and for some couples it never drops much at all.
Can we join from different places or time zones?
Yes, as long as each of you has privacy and a steady connection. We pick a time that works for both of you, and I confirm it in Copenhagen time to avoid confusion.
If lately everything turns into an argument, I can help you both find out what the arguing is really about in online couples therapy.
Sources
- Hinnekens, Vanhee, De Schryver, Ickes and Verhofstadt (2016). Empathic accuracy and observed demand behavior in couples. Frontiers in Psychology.
- Bretana, Alonso-Arbiol, Recio and Molero (2022). Avoidant attachment, withdrawal-aggression conflict pattern, and relationship satisfaction: a mediational dyadic model. Frontiers in Psychology.
How this article was written: I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. I read the draft, correct and improve it and stand behind every clinical statement. The professional and clinical judgement is mine.
