Why does my partner talk to me like I am beneath them?

What does contempt sound like between partners?

Contempt is an ordinary remark delivered in a tone that turns it into a judgement of the person.

Your partner forgets the shopping again, and what reaches them is that a child could manage a list. The topic is the shopping. The message is that they are lacking. Contempt travels in sarcasm, in an imitation of their voice, in a joke at their expense when friends are over, in a laugh at the wrong moment, in the rolled eyes they were not supposed to catch and did.

If you are on the receiving end, your body knows before your mind finds the words. Your stomach sinks, your face goes hot, and you feel diminished in your own home without anything you could easily quote. That is why it is so hard to bring up: repeated later, the words sound almost reasonable, and the part that hurt is not in them.

Why does it hurt more than anger?

Anger keeps you on the same level. Contempt places one of you higher than the other.

An angry remark is still spoken to someone. It says you have hurt me, it points to something that happened, and it gives your partner something to reply to. A contemptuous remark settles the matter before any question is asked, because it describes who your partner is, and no one can bargain over a judgement of their own character. So the receiving partner goes quiet, and the other hears the quiet as agreement. Of all the patterns couples bring to me, this is the one that does the most damage with the least noise.

The couples research treats contempt as the single strongest sign that a marriage is heading for divorce¹. That describes many couples on average, not a prediction about yours, and I would never present it to a couple that way. What I attend to in a session is smaller: whether a word from one of you can still move the other at all.

Where does contempt come from?

Often it is what a request becomes when it has gone unanswered for years.

Someone asks for something in the usual way, and nothing changes. They ask again, more sharply. Eventually they stop asking, which looks like acceptance and feels like nothing of the sort. The need does not disappear. It goes quiet and returns as commentary, and by the time it is spoken aloud it has been rehearsed so often in private that it comes out as a summary of the character of the other person.

Understanding that history explains the tone but does not excuse it. The partner being looked down on is not responsible for where the contempt began, and treating it as something you both create in equal measure is one of the things that keeps it alive. By now the topic of each row hardly matters, which is why every argument feels impossible to win from both sides. Read more about online couples therapy.

How does contempt wear a couple down?

Living with regular disdain keeps you on guard, and staying on guard costs more than the arguments themselves.

Clients describe an exhaustion they cannot explain, a tightening when they hear a key in the lock, and a gradual withdrawal from saying anything that could be picked apart. The withdrawal concerns me most. It can pass for calm, but what has really gone is the only way the relationship had of correcting itself.

• What the research adds. In a study that followed 73 married couples for 4 years, those whose conversations leaned more negative than positive were more likely to have considered separating, to have separated, and to report illness². The grouping was based on how negative the conversations were in general, not on contempt specifically, and the design shows links, not causes.
• The body keeps score too. In the same study, wives in the more negative couples showed signs of greater physical arousal during conflict, which the authors themselves treated as a tentative reading.

When the partner being looked down on has gone completely quiet, that silence deserves attention in its own right. Read more about online couples therapy alone.

How can contempt be stopped?

It starts with the person using it recognising it and stopping, and continues with respect being shown out loud on ordinary days.

• Own it plainly. Say that you have been speaking this way, without a reason and without pointing to something your partner did.
• Apologise for one moment. Saying sorry for a specific remark goes further than a general regret about your tone.
• Catch the first words. When you hear it starting, switch to another sentence: that something is bothering you and you have not found the right way to say it.
• Name the feeling and the need. Say that you are anxious about the shopping, not that a child could manage it. This is the harder part, because the feeling is exactly what the tone was hiding.
• Show respect when all is calm. Saying what you still value in your partner on a quiet day is what helps the next disagreement go differently.
• Be honest if it is one-sided. Both of you can work on how you talk, yet the harm stays uneven, and acting as though it were shared puts the burden on the person who was hurt.

Change here is slower than either of you would like. The tone tends to ease first and warmth comes back later, and the partner who has been talked down to will want to see the change last before taking any risk again. That sequence is my clinical judgement, not a schedule.

These steps do not work when the person using contempt believes their partner deserves it, because none of them can begin without that admission. They also fall short, as does any article, when the contempt comes with fear or control, since whoever names it on a shared call may pay for it once the call ends. In both cases, individual work is the place to start. Read more about online psychotherapy. What often remains open is whether the contempt grew inside this relationship or was learned much earlier by one of you, and that deserves careful attention before you make up your minds about the relationship.

Questions people ask

Can couples therapy help when there is contempt between us?

Yes, because contempt loosens when it is named aloud somewhere it cannot become the next round of the same row. It works best when you both take part and are willing to look at the hurt beneath it.

What if my partner uses that tone during a video session?

I interrupt it in the moment and wonder aloud what the remark was really reaching for. That is more useful than discussing the tone later, and nobody is put on trial for it.

My partner says I am oversensitive. Should I start on my own?

Yes, that is a sound reason to begin alone, so that your own account does not need defending. Whether your partner joins can be settled further down the line.

What if I am the partner who sounds contemptuous?

Then therapy often moves faster, because change begins with whoever carries the tone. Together we look for the need you gave up voicing, since that is usually where the sarcasm took root.

Does tone come through clearly enough over video?

In my experience, yes: sarcasm and disdain are easy to hear on a call. If something is lost on screen, say so, and we can slow down and look at it together.

If being spoken down to has become normal at home, I can help you see what is happening and what you need in online couples therapy alone.

Sources

1. The Gottman Institute. The Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
2. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.

How this article was written: I choose the subject and the angle. An AI assistant researches and drafts. I read the draft, correct and improve it and stand behind every clinical statement. The professional and clinical judgement is mine.