In this short video, I explain what an affair does to a man, whether he had it or found out about it, and why silence usually makes the damage last longer.
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Online therapy for men after infidelity is for the man whose life has been shaken by an affair, whether he was the one who strayed or the one who was deceived. You meet me privately by video, in English, for 1-hour sessions with 50 minutes of therapy, at an hour that works where you live.
I help you steady yourself, understand what the affair is really about and work out what you want, without having to act as if you are fine. This page sits under online therapy for men in relationships, one branch of my online psychotherapy for men. If the relationship ends, online therapy for men after divorce or breakup continues from there.
To take a first step, ask for a free 30-minute call, pick a session time, look through my client policy or write to me in confidence.
Online therapy for men after infidelity is for men whose world has been turned over by an affair, their own or their partner’s. You need one place where you can be completely honest, think straight and find out who you are now.
An affair touches many corners of a life, and some of them need different help first. If a line below fits you more closely, its link is the better door.
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These reviews describe clients’ experiences of working with me. They come from my wider practice and do not all relate to online sessions. Each person’s experience is their own, and a review does not promise a particular outcome.
“Looking back over my 22 years of practice, I am struck by how alone men are after an affair. The man who was betrayed keeps quiet because he feels humiliated. The man who was unfaithful keeps quiet because he believes he has lost any right to feel hurt. So both carry it in silence, and both get judged for the silence. Beneath it I tend to hear ‘Was I ever enough for you?’ and, close behind, ‘Give me room until I can think again.’ My firm opinion is that neither man can heal while keeping a straight face. He needs one place where the whole truth can be spoken out loud.”
Mark Colclough, MA, psychotherapist and EFT couples therapist
I am Mark Colclough, MA. I have practised since 2004 and offer online psychotherapy and couples therapy in English.
My training brings together your emotions, your thoughts and your relationships. My deep passion is the moment when what happens between you finally makes sense, to each of you and to each other. I have lived and worked in nine countries, so I know something of life across languages, cultures and borders.
Read about my background, or explore online psychotherapy and online couples therapy.
I meet regularly with experienced psychotherapists to reflect on my work, question my understanding and develop my skills. Supervision is part of the professional care I bring to individual and couples work, including online sessions.
My focus is thoughtful practice, integrity and responsibility.
You are welcome to ask about the kind of support you need.
Tell me where you are based and your time zone. We can then consider whether online sessions together are suitable.
Leo is 45, an architect from São Paulo who has lived in Singapore for 11 years with his wife, Hannah, and their 2 daughters. In March he found hotel bookings on the family tablet and learned that Hannah had been seeing a colleague for most of a year. She ended it and wants to stay. Leo goes to the office, swims at 6 every morning and smiles at school events. At night he reads her old messages until 3.
I would begin with the part Leo shows nobody: the humiliation under the composure. In a first video session he would probably notice that his checking is less about facts than about whether he still matters to her.
I have presented this clinical example as a compound of 22 years of clinical practice.
You have tried to hold it together and carry on as normal, and the affair still follows you into every room.
There is no right time and no level of pain you must reach first. Whether you found out or you were the one who strayed, if it occupies your thoughts, your sleep or your body, that is enough. You do not need to know whether the relationship will last.
Through 22 years of practice and a masterclass on relational betrayal and infidelity, I have learned to tell a shock that is settling from a wound that is hardening. Men usually need to tell the whole story somewhere before they can act wisely. The 6 questions below are the ones I ask men in the months after an affair.
If you are, do not brush it aside. Men often keep working, training and parenting as though nothing has happened, while sleep, appetite and focus give way underneath. The evening drink gets larger. The body waits for the next blow, or the next confession.
I would look with you at what you are carrying by yourself and what it costs, which tells us whether this is first shock or a habit of shutting down that could outlive it. If your days feel like this, book a session with me.
Both pulls can be real together. A betrayed man may want to fight for the life he built and also to walk away with his head high. A man who had the affair may want to repair things and still miss the other person, or the man he felt like with them.
I do not label either pull as the bad one. Each defends something, such as your pride, your family, your hope or your freedom. Once you hear what each one needs, what you do next becomes a decision rather than a reflex.
For a man who was betrayed, this is very common. You look at her or his phone, go over what was said and listen for clues in a tone of voice. A man who strayed knows a version of it too, watching his partner’s face for any sign of forgiveness.
After a real breach, that alarm makes sense, and I will not shame it. I help you quieten the part that is scanning, and find a way to ask what you need to know once and clearly, rather than every night.
After an affair, closeness can feel urgent and unsafe in the same breath. One evening you want to hold your partner, perhaps want sex more than before. The next you feel cold, furious or blank. A man who strayed may long for forgiveness, then bristle when it arrives with questions attached.
I help you slow these swings so we can see what sets each one off, often an anniversary, a reminder or a tender moment that feels too exposed. I have compassion for them, and I will also hold you to account for the ones that wound.
A great many men do. The tears and the questions feel like a wave you cannot stand up in, so you turn factual, say “I already answered that” or walk out. From the man who strayed it looks like indifference. From the betrayed man it can look as if the hurt has gone.
Distance shields you from being flooded, and I will not shame that. I help you stay in the conversation longer and ask clearly for a pause, so the silence does not become a second betrayal.
It often does. The betrayed man wonders whether he was too dull, too absent, simply not enough. The man who strayed wonders how he became someone who lies to the person he loves. Either way, the story of his own decency has cracked.
Robert Glover, in “No More Mr. Nice Guy”, describes the hidden life many decent men lead, with needs they never dared voice until those needs found a back door. David Deida, in “The Way of the Superior Man”, asks a man to live from his deepest purpose rather than from habit or fear. Both help us ask, without excuse or self-hatred, what you want to stand for now.
If this is where you are, ask for a free call to talk it over, or book a session and tell me which side of the affair you are on.
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Tell me briefly what kind of support you are looking for.
Include your country and time zone so we can discuss whether online work together is possible and find a suitable time.
You do not need to explain your whole story in your first message.
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Knowing why the affair happened matters, and you also need to change how you speak, listen and decide in the weeks that follow.
Our work will help you grasp what took place, recognise the patterns that led to it and change things in a way that lasts. Explanation alone does not do it. Plenty of men can describe the affair clearly and still flinch, lie or explode the next time it comes up.
I take an active part. I tell you what I see, ask what others are too polite to ask and question stories that shield you from the truth. Since 2010 I have been a student of men’s work, which adds to and deepens my training as a psychotherapist, and it helps me talk with men about pride, shame and loyalty without dressing it up. These 6 questions show where the work is heading.
Related reading: How do I learn to trust my partner again after cheating? and Can we really get through this affair together?.
I help you separate the affair itself from everything packed around it. The messages, the hotel and the lies are real. Underneath them there are often quieter causes: loneliness inside the marriage, a hunger to feel alive, years of dodging conflict, or for the betrayed man an old dread of being replaceable.
I say what I see and question lines that keep you stuck, such as “it just happened” or “it is all her fault”. When you are ready to look at it straight, book a session with me.
You can learn its opening signs. A street name, a song or a late text can start it: a drop in the stomach, heat in the face, an urge to check or to defend. Notice that first link and you win a moment in which to choose.
Together we replay one of those moments slowly, finding what triggered it and what it was protecting you from. Then we rehearse another response, so the next reminder at the supermarket does not cost you the night.
Steadying yourself is not the same as pretending. It means staying present enough to understand what is happening and pick your response. Anger after betrayal is legitimate, and shame after straying is understandable. Neither should be steering.
I help you catch the surge earlier and slow it through your breath, your posture and your words. If your anger ever makes someone feel unsafe, safety comes first. This needs daily practice between our sessions, not only the hour on screen.
It starts with knowing which part of the story is yours to tell. The man who strayed tends to hide, shrink or over-explain. The man who was betrayed tends to swallow his hurt or let it out as contempt. Both make repair harder.
If you had the affair, honesty means answering without defending every detail. If you were betrayed, it means naming the 2 or 3 things you truly need to know, rather than cross-examining. I will challenge silence and blame alike.
Choices clear when you separate humiliation, guilt, fear and other people’s verdicts from what you actually feel and value. Friends, family and the internet all have an opinion about what you should do.
We look squarely at both roads, staying and leaving, and what each would demand of you. You will hear my view, and I will point it out when panic is deciding for you, or when you are avoiding a decision altogether. The choice stays yours.
Change has to reach past our sessions. It may mean new agreements about phones and openness, a friend you can finally confide in, an honest look at your drinking or your hours, or the courage to name a need before it goes underground again.
I help you decide what has to change and what deserves to stay. You do not have to become another man. The aim is a life where what you say, what you do and what you want line up again, whether or not the relationship continues.
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You do not need a tidy timeline or a decision about the future. We start with what is happening to you today.
At the start, I listen for what hurts most and set a direction for our work. You do not need the whole sequence in order, or a clear wish for how it should end.
This is focused online psychotherapy, structured individual work on you. Online infidelity therapy alone helps anyone working through an affair without their partner, while this page looks at how it lands on you as a man: your pride, your shame and your silence. When you both want to repair, online couples therapy offers long-term relational development and healing. For a longer stretch, a therapy bundle brings real savings and an agreed plan.
I ask what happened, how it came to light, what the days since have been like and what you most need help with. You choose how much detail to give, and you will not be asked to defend yourself.
By the end of the hour you hear how I see the affair and its aftermath for you, and what I would suggest. Then you judge whether this way of working helps. A free 30-minute call lets you hear my voice before you commit.
Individual work fits when the main questions are yours: why you did it, how you survive it, whether you want to stay, what to do with the shame or the rage. Many men need this before they can be any use in a joint session.
I keep hold of the thread between sessions and tell you honestly when the story starts to bend. If the affair has opened older questions, online psychotherapy describes my individual work more widely.
Choose couples therapy when you both want to find out whether the relationship can be rebuilt and both are willing to take part. Trust after an affair is repaired between 2 people, not inside one of them.
As an EFT couples therapist, I help the hurt partner be fully heard and the other stay present and accountable, then help you both see the cycle that left the relationship exposed. Online couples therapy is long-term relational development and healing.
In the first weeks after a discovery or confession, sessions close together help, because so much happens between them. Later a steadier rhythm keeps the work alive without swallowing your week.
I usually suggest a weekly session at the start and then one every second week. I will tell you honestly if the gaps grow too wide, or when we can ease off. A focused block of back-to-back sessions over a few days is also possible.
A bundle makes sense once you know this will take more than a couple of conversations. Many men want to stop the moment the first panic fades, while the real questions are still open. A planned course keeps you in the work.
It also brings real savings and a fixed plan at a time when little else feels planned. I will help you judge whether one fits. The details are on therapy discounts and bundles and in the cards lower down.
The work is complete when the affair has stopped steering your days, when it can be discussed without lies, collapse or attack, and when what you decide about the relationship is truly your decision.
We review progress together, out loud, and I will not keep you coming longer than the work needs. Sessions can thin out, pause or stop. Coming back later, perhaps around the anniversary of the discovery, does not mean anything failed.
Unsure where to begin after an affair? These are the options men most often weigh up, side by side.
| Option | Choose it when | Pace |
|---|---|---|
| Online therapy for men after infidelity (this page) | You are a man after an affair, on either side, and you need help for yourself. | Weekly 1-hour video sessions at first |
| Online infidelity therapy alone | You want to work through an affair on your own, with less focus on being a man. | 1-hour video sessions on your own |
| Online couples therapy | You both want to try to rebuild trust together. | Longer joint video sessions |
| Online therapy for men in relationships | There was no affair, but you feel lost or silent in your relationship. | Weekly or fortnightly video sessions |
It is individual psychotherapy by video, in English, for a man whose life has been shaken by an affair, his own or his partner’s. It gives you a private place to tell the whole truth, find your footing and decide what you want.
I look at the whole man as well as the event, including your past, your shame or fury, the people you feel loyal to and the lessons you absorbed about love. It sits within online therapy for men in relationships.
Come when the affair has taken over your sleep, your work or your thoughts, or when you catch yourself hiding, drinking or exploding. You do not have to wait for things to calm down first.
In my clinical experience, the men who wait longest are the ones most certain they should manage it alone. I look at how isolated you have become and whether the shock is easing or setting.
No. I will take what you did seriously, and I will not pretend it caused no pain. Judgement, though, does not help a man change. Honesty does. You get a place to look at why it happened without excuses and without self-hatred.
Most men I have sat with on that side of an affair were not careless. They were lonely, avoiding a conflict or living a hidden life they had never put into words. We would work on that, and on what your partner needs from you now.
Slowly, and not by pretending to be fine. Humiliation after betrayal is among the most painful things a man can feel, and many hide it under anger or coldness. That holds whether your partner is a woman or a man.
I help you feel it somewhere safe, separate what was done to you from what it says about you, and recover your dignity without needing to win. You do not have to decide about the relationship before this work starts.
Both moves are attempts to feel safe again. Asking over and over tries to win back certainty. Going cold guards you against being hurt a second time. Many men swing between the 2, and their partners find it bewildering. It is not weakness.
I help you see which move you make under pressure, what it is trying to achieve and what it costs. From there we build calmer moves, such as one clear question instead of 20, space that is not a punishment, and staying put when every muscle wants to go.
We begin with now: what happened, what has been said, how you are coping. I may ask a little about the relationship before the affair and about your family, because affairs rarely come from nowhere. You leave knowing what I make of it so far.
There is nothing to prepare, and not knowing where to start is fine. Book a first session when you are ready, or speak with me on a free call first.
Count in months, not weeks. The first shock often eases within a few weeks of steady work. Rebuilding trust, in yourself or your partner, or deciding to leave, usually takes longer. Honesty, support and whether the affair is truly over make the biggest difference.
I suggest we agree a first stretch of sessions and then look back on it together. That review is often when a man sees how far he has come and chooses with me what comes next.
Yes, with a little planning. Choose a room with a closed door, wear headphones and keep your notifications off. Some men take sessions from a parked car or a booked meeting room, and a session can also sit during a work trip.
Video is often what makes honest work possible after an affair, because nobody sees you arrive anywhere. My calendar shows every time in your own time zone. If you are unsure whether to come alone or together, a free call is a good place to decide.
These are individual psychotherapy sessions, booked as 1-hour video appointments with 50 minutes of therapy in each. The fee for a session today, in US dollars, is on my prices page.
A bundle of sessions saves 10 per cent and gives you a structured plan for the months ahead. Each bundle and its saving appear on therapy discounts and bundles.
Book your first session now, or request a free 30-minute call if you want to talk first. One line about what happened is enough.
Should the discovery be only days old and the calendar too full, write to me directly. I hold some room for acute situations, usually a time within days, described on acute online psychotherapy. Take the step, and we begin where you are.
You can also send me an email
I want therapy to help you understand your experience and make choices you can use in everyday life. We pay attention to feelings, needs and the responses that happen before you have time to think.
Our online room should offer enough trust and honesty to explore what is difficult. I bring attention and professional judgement. You bring your experience, questions and the right to say when something does not fit.
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P.S. I’ll call you in a bit!
